A painful rant

I'm self sabotaging.. why am I not good enough for you. I'm booking a therapy session for tmo. I hate everything about myself. Why do I lack self respect. Why can't I just accept i wasn't good enough. I can't do anything right. I can't keep a relationship. I have no friends because i dedicatedmy life to you and the kids. I'm a useless piece of ***. Why do I even pretend otherwise. I want to give up. There's no purpose in life. It's just full of pain. Work. Sleep. Pain. Why would I want to grow old alone. Knowing I can never love anyone because they're just going to leave me for some *** on ***. No wonder I have OCD. try to be perfect so you don't get hurt. Ha jokes on you. Can do everything in your power to love a person and be respectful of their needs when they push you away... but no matter how good you try to be you get *** on. I wonder if traumatic OCD is a thing. Either way. I'm a joke. Let people use me and toss me aside. Pretend I'm ok with it. Wonder why I struggle. Eating disorder is back in the spotlight. Maybe if I control this something will work out right. Maybe if I'm prettier or skinnier or blonder things will work out for me. You say you want me to visit everyday because you still want to be married but you need to be single to sleep around? Why do I let you treat me this way. Why do I have no self respect. *** breadcrumbs. I fall for it. Pretend I'm strong enough just so you'll pay attention to me. I think I have a fear of being forgotten. This is the second marriage that has failed despite me trying to do everything in my power to make sure everyone's happy and healthy what about me. Is anyone ever going to care about me. Make sure I'm ok. No. Because men in this generation are non committal. Everything is easy to move on from bc a phone holds 15 relationships at once, you don't even have to move from the couch. Why try.