Boundaries
Hi, my girlfriend of five years has an abusive, narcissistic ex. He’s always argumentative, and she constantly engages him, which puts her in a bad mood, and she takes it out on me. I’ve encouraged her to set stronger boundaries with him for example, not responding right away, and limiting communication to yes no or what time in most cases. I’m generally supportive, but this happens constantly, and I’m sick of him coming between us in this way.
Apologies if this double posts, I couldn’t tell if it posted the first time, app was being glitchy
There’s a 9 year old involved, that’s the only reason she communicates with him.
@quickwittedWillow6742
With a child involved she is forever tied to him. Perhaps he knows setting her off will effect your relationship and is a petty way to make her miserable. Until she is ready to see this ploy for what it is reminding her or fighting about it will not work.
She will need to figure out how to step back after encounters with him.. and not bring this mad/ anger into your relationship.
Thanks for replying, I was on here under a different name and you were always helpful. I appreciate it!
I’ll probably bring it up in the way you explained it. She knows but can’t seem to help wanting to argue with him.
She has all the control legally, so nothing should be an argument, you know?
I don’t know how to approach it with her, anytime I suggest better boundaries, it’s ignored. I honestly think she’s addicted to the drama.
@quickwittedWillow6742
You may be right.
Some people myself at one time long ago.... had issues with someone yet i was semi hooked on encounters and being aggressive or getting in a few good one liners to win the moment it was only when i realized other then jump in blood pressure and spending too much time letting this fool live rent free in my head did i realize i was worth More then constant BS.
She has to see it for herself ... I wasted time getting worked up and the best thing my partner did at the time was let me see it myself ......and step away instead of always pointing it out the obvious things or telling me i should do this or that ...
It really helped as when I cut contact the person blamed my partner for badmouthing them but i knew this was truly my decision. If I had ever doubted why I walked away from drama .... I know it was for me by me not my partners.
I’m glad you found the insight to realize that.
I did tell her how I felt about it yesterday. I want to protect her from him, but I can’t kill him or even tell him off because there’s an open court case for his visitation. I can only encourage her to protect herself from the drama.
Can only hope she will see how this is a problem and make healthy changes. And hope the court will hand him his *** 😊
I’ve been in recovery from addiction for the past year, I’m able to see more clearly what’s happening with people. I’m torn between making peace with the guy so we can live stress free and wanting him ended.
And I would never do that to someone, but it’s tempting sometimes lol
I remember we have similar situations- partner who needs help and change but can’t see it. And we don’t want to leave. How do you cope?
@quickwittedWillow6742
It is very frustrating to be in a situation where partners need growth or change/ or help.
It is a delicate balance of support from sidelines ... to want to help but not putting ourselves in the middle .I tend to think of it in reverse, that seems to help me cope.
Anytime a person is struggling dealing with something ... we can chose to jump in and do it for them OR let them learn to figure it out.
Jumping in is easy and quick fix but not helpful for the person in long run... as when something happens again they are back to square one not knowing what to do and wanting someone to jump in. How many times do we want to be stuck at this level.
I appreciate your insight. I’ve started stepping back when she’s obsessing negatively over something- lately it’s been every conversation is about the *** things her exes are doing. I listen at first, but I don’t want to hear it anymore if it goes on for days. So I don’t try to force connecting with her. I do my own thing- go to the gym or working on something. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do, but I don’t want to be around the negativity constantly.
