Boyfriends Porn Addiction

This can be a difficult thing to talk about with some, especially since everyone has their own view on it. Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for four years. I’ve had to break up with him twice before because of this addiction and it’s really been a huge stressor in my life. He knows it’s wrong and has made steps towards growth. It has gotten better but it still happens sometimes. He tells me it’s a coping mechanism he has used from a young age, his parents would fight and he would go in his room and watch that. It was a way to relax and destress. It was put into his face by his brother and friends and it was normal to him and the people around him. I think he gets in his head about whether it is really wrong or not. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because it’s my boundary to not have that in a relationship and he should respect that no matter his views on it. Recently I have found it a few times and honestly there is definitely more times than what I have found because you can’t catch someone hiding something every single time. We’ve had some really good conversations about it with open communication and he’s even come to me at times when he’s having those thoughts and he says talking to me helps distract him.

I found him trying to use a dating app a few days ago. It was an app he couldn’t even use on his device and he went through like 10x steps to install it and make an account. He said he never even fully created an account (put his name, age, photos in) and went on it with me and showed me he didn’t have one. He said it was just a thought while he was lustful. I’m not really sure how to trust him, he lies to me a lot and he’s been keeping this a secret for a month and a half.

I know that I deserve better. Like anyone, I make mistakes but I really do think I’m a good girlfriend. Even after I found the app I kept it to myself for two days, cleaned his room/bathroom while he was at work and bought him food and played pickleball with him. I’m honestly not sure why I even did all that but even when I find these things, I’m still trying to make his life easier.

Does anyone have experience with this kind of thing? I find it hard to talk to my friends about it because they just tell me to break it off. Part of me really believes I should, I have a huge hole in my stomach and to be honest I don’t know how to move on from this, an app is way different to me than porn. Even if he didn’t fully go through with it, he still made steps towards doing it and put a lot of energy into it. I could never in a million years picture myself doing that or looking at that stuff, how can he truly love me and do that? He’s my best friend, we really do uplift each other in so many ways and I can’t see him not in my life.

This has been weighing heavy on me. I’m not sure what to do, just looking for some advice/ support.