Break up after 4 years
Synopsis:
Basically, our relationship had a lot of unresolved trust issues from the past that we never fully healed from, and over time that made everything feel fragile. I leaned on him a lot emotionally and needed reassurance, while he started to feel drained and responsible for holding everything together. When we argued, it usually turned into defensiveness or panic instead of actually getting resolved, so the same problems kept coming up. We also had different needs — I needed closeness and consistency to feel safe, and he needed space and calm — and that clash created constant tension. On top of that, family and cultural dynamics made him feel like he didn’t fully belong in my world. Eventually the buildup of stress, fear, and emotional exhaustion led to situations that made him feel unsafe in the relationship, and even though there was real love and effort on both sides, he stopped believing the relationship could work.
Details: The trust issues: he cheats ON me, I cheated WITH him on my previous ex. My previous ex was abusive and cheated first which doesn’t justify cheating but nobody’s perfect.
His logic is since I can cheat on my abusive ex, I can cheat on him too. I never cheated on him but he cheated on me twice. So there’s that, that was the foundation of our relationship, no wonder it crashed right? I guess. We started living together 4 months ago, and after each argument, he decided that he was done, but made it seem like we were working on things only for him to go sign a lease with his co workers and broke ours. So now i’m back at my parents house, had to quit my job, and no idea what to do. My nervous system is still in shock, and this dynamic feels addictive because I’m anxiously attached and he is a dismissive avoidant. Any advice on how to move forward without having hopes of him returning?
I just want to say how deeply I relate to so much of what you wrote. The unresolved trust issues, the anxious–avoidant dynamic, the constant feeling of fragility—it all resonated with me.
I’m in a long-term marriage and while the details are different, the core pain feels very similar. Things that happened many years ago—during extremely unhealthy circumstances—still get used as proof that I’m “unsafe,” even though I’ve spent years trying to grow, heal, and be different. It’s exhausting to feel like you’re forever being punished for a past version of yourself.
What stood out to me most was how you described needing closeness to feel safe while your partner needed space. That push–pull can slowly drain both people until no one feels secure anymore, even when there is real love.
I don’t have answers yet, but I want you to know you’re not crazy for feeling the way you do, and you’re not alone in trying to grieve a relationship while also figuring out how to move forward. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you’re able to find peace and stability again—one step at a time.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I hope things get better for you. ❤️ Hopefully we both find what we truly deserve.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I hope things get better for you. ❤️ Hopefully we both find what we truly deserve.
Yes 👏🏽 to that good luck
@imsotireddddd hey this is very relatable especially because it was 4 years for me too just recently. And things ended. And it was the same trust issue type things , a lot of lying. We both did wrong in certain aspects. If you ever need someone to talk about this I’m hear. Because I’ve found my self lost in this too. All I can say is sometimes when things get this far an out of control. It really is better to start fresh and avoid making your life more toxic. If the respect and communication aren’t there. Nothing can ever be resolved. I do hope you find yourself again and realize that sometimes when things close another door opens when you’re ready for it.