Break up, stay?
Okay everyone, please bare with me.
So for background information, my bf and I have been dating for about almost two years. Up until the beginning of this year, I was so committed to this relationship.
I found out he was paying for only fans girls, which I wouldn't have cared for, because they're just $5 subscriptions. But it felt like cheating because he hid it from me. And instead of being open to me about it he wasn't. And spending money on other women kinda set me off too.
So of course, I think it's natural, that I felt awful. I felt self conscious, especially when they didn't have the same body type as me, or had features I didn't have.
Because if that I became extra clingy and needy. I quite literally wish I could live for this man. But I want getting the attention I wanted. (And to cross out the idea he would cheat on me he really wouldn't 💀 I've been snoopy and have gone through his phone and computer several times after the only fans, which is toxic but I mean, do you blame me after that 😭)
But just to be clear, I don't NOT support him. He's a bit of a corn addict. Which is fine, I've kinda just accept men are more sexually active and need more of that. Which is cool, whatever.
But if course I sought more attention, and slept with his friend. Wasn't worth it one bit, because I was used in the process. We won't even go down that loop right now.
But then he started subscribing again. AGAIN I wouldn't have cared if he told me he wanted to.
I still don't receive the attention I want. But because of family and other trauma, I don't want to be around anyone else but him. Even if it was a guy giving me attention and sex. I don't want to committ to anyone else but him.
But then that's where another thing comes along 😭 I think there's a chance I'm polyamourus. I want to be committed to one person and love them and give them what the want unconditionally. But at the same time I want to still give others attention, and get attention from others, and be more sexually active. I did my own research, but I still don't know if it's just the lack of attention, or me actually just wanting more than one partner.
And the thing is, if I wasn't being able to provide something for my bf I would want him to take the day to go do something he wants. I honestly think it's healthy getting out of each other's hair every once in a while. As long as it doesn't go any farther ya know?
I don't know! 😭 I'm just rambling at this point. This is my first long term relationship. I've only ever put this much effort into one other relationship in my past. I just don't know how to feel anymore.
Discovering that your boyfriend was subscribing to OnlyFans without telling you must have been really hurtful, especially because it felt like he was hiding something from you. Feeling self-conscious about it is completely understandable, especially when it seems like he's seeking something from these other women that he's not getting from you. It's also understandable that you'd feel the need for more attention and affection from him, especially given everything that's happened. But it's concerning that you ended up sleeping with his friend in an attempt to seek that attention, especially if you feel like you were used in the process. That's a lot to process and work through. It's also okay to be questioning your feelings about monogamy and polyamory. It's a complex topic, and it's normal to feel unsure about what you want, especially in the context of your relationship. It might be helpful to explore these feelings more and have open, honest conversations with your boyfriend about what you're both comfortable with and what you both want for the future.