Can someone explain why I feel this was and make it make better since please 🙏

You and I both know I’m not good at saying how I feel and all but I thought maybe if I type it I can say it better but Tbh Liz I’m not okay really not okay i don’t know when we were together I was happy. I mean you hurt but I was still happy because I had you in my life. honestly I really feel like you don’t want me if your life you don’t show me that you care. You tell me but your actions over your words are different you say you love me but I only see that once in a while. Even with the break you said you want to have this break to work on yourself and find yourself but then you start talking with guys. I really don’t know how you feel towards me and it’s killing me you talking with hunter kills me more than anything and you know that but yet here he is. To be honest. Sometimes I feel like you’re just dragging me along with as a back up plan and In the end. I just want someone to pick me for once to actually want me in there life I’ve never been someone’s first choice I’ve always been the last choice. To be honest you’ve hurt me so so many times. I was crying at the park today and you didn’t even ask if I was okay you asked what I was doing and I lied and said sitting there holding back the sadness in my voice I even told you I had a long *** day you didn’t even ask what happen or if I was okay. You say you want me to open up to you when you don’t open up to me. I sit here every night wondering if you’re going to be there when I wake up or if you’ve decided to be done with me. I’ve been hurt so many by so many people I was really hoping that wasn’t going to happen this time but You don’t even realize how much I do love you. You might not even really know but I do remember ever time you hurt me I remember every lie you’ve said to be. You say I have to trust you in this break but how can I when you’ve lied to me so many times. I’m sorry I’m kinda all over the place about what I’m saying but I’m hurt by your actions. If I’m being honest i can only hold on so long and if you keep pushing away i wont be able to hold on even if i try. I’ll be real with you if we are planning to keep working on us i need to get this off my chest but before we do I need to see change I need to see that I’m not just an option. You gotta stop lying to me even if it’s small lie you need to be 100% honest with me you need to show me that you actually want me to be a part of your life. I definitely need you to be loyal to be I’m not going to play games anymore I’m tired of always be the second person its me or the other guy because I’m done I’m done getting walked on I’m done acting like I’m fine I’m just don’t I’m so tired of fight for everything I feel I shouldn’t I have to fight for us I’ve been fight for us since day one now and even now I’m fighting for you but I need to see you fight for us and show me you want us that want a future together to build a home and family because in the end that’s what I want and if you don’t want that with me then just let me go instead of hurting me more and more I’ve been hurt enough from everybody else in my life I don’t need to be hurt like that anymore I’m tired and I can’t keep fighting if your not gonna be there