Can’t eat, can’t sleep, don’t know how to cope

Hi everyone,

I’m going through a pretty bad breakup now (F, 27). To make things easier here are some key notes:

-my ex (M, 30) was very lustful throughout our entire relationship

-it would have been our 3 years anniversary this month

-he was still keeping tabs with his exes on socials and immediately followed them all back when we broke up previously the night of which I found weird since he manually looked them up

-even though there was betrayal, I still loved him and cared for him deeply

-he spoiled me with gifts, , paid for most of the groceries

-when arguing, it would sometimes get toxic with yelling or cussing, or him leaving the room to cool off for hours and then our day is ruined

-got a tattoo with my full name on it (think maybe out of guilt as this was after i broke up with him after the lack of trust)

-i cried myself to sleep a lot of nights throughout our relationship and he only sometimes came to me to try to talk but only when i said he should try to do that instead of ignoring me and gaming

-we were fighting almost everyday for the last 6months of our relationship

-he owns the home and I am the one who has to leave

-I am still currently living with him while I am apartment hunting at the moment

-he got a vasectomy for me since we both didnt want kids and i could get off of birth control

-supported me financially with bills

-we are still on the same phone line since we got a good deal of a buy one get one free line and our phones paid off but a 2 year contract (started last year)

-i did all of his hobbies and now I feel like I don’t really have any besides the ones he introduced me to(fishing, gaming, riding motorcycles)

-we haven’t made any friends together since we have moved with each other or have been with each other

Anyways, I’m having a hard time doing day by day activities. I see him everyday and it hurts even more. Why can’t my mind remember how I was feeling sad everyday while IN the relationship with him? We knew we couldnt marry each other with the way things were going. After that conversation it ended our relationship right then and there. I cried and we hugged it out. My mind keeps asking, “why couldnt he just treat me better, or keep other women out of our relationship?” So many whys and if onlys… it doesn’t help that I work from home either so I see him in the mornings before he leaves to work and after. I have no friends or family in the city we moved in together. We were each others best friend practically. I tried joining local new friend groups in my city to meet new people but all the people i have met either are too busy for me or a one time meet up kinda thing.. looking for apartments and starting all over from scratch is do hard and frustrating. I try to get as much outsidr time as I can to get my mind off things but im running out of ideas to do by myself, and without spending too much money just to cope. We broke up a few times before while living together but would get back together usually a few days or a week after. I think my mind is thinking that was a possibility again, but no, this time he said he is done done. I mean, I should feel the same way too knowing everytime I looked at him I instantly thought about all the women and betrayal he did. Why is it do hard to focus on the bad now that I am out of it? I think him spoiling me, having his own home, sharing hobbies, i took for granted but also, I know theres other people out there that have all that AND will treat me with respect so why is it so hard to detach? Its hard to move out fast while im searching for an apartment with pets of my own, but I’m trying. Eating, and going out and doing things to keep me distracted has been super hard. One moment I feel okay, then the next I feel like I am having a panic attack. I started going to the gym but I can only be there for so long. I try going to the beach but even my mind races randomly there too. Im trying to force myself to detach from him everyday while still seeing and talking to him (only when necessary, we barely talk though). I feel so sad, lost, and terrified of what my life will be like now without him. My family is shocked since we just moved into his new home together only a year ago, and his family groupchat with me is now silent. Everything just sucks right now and I don’t know how to cope. I have no one to talk to. Seeing him in the home when we do talk makes me feel like he is doing just fine without me, but I wonder if he is okay too. Has anyone been through similar? How to cope on the daily? He is also my only friend on *** (he got me into the app) and now everytime i open it up i see his updates. He would definitely notice if i unfollowed, especially while still living with him. Why am i focusing on all these little things when the bigger picture of it all was knowing we wouldnt work out long term anyways if we were to stay together. Everyday I asked myself while in the relationship, “why did he choose her, why did he do this, am I really going to ever get over this?”, and knowing i couldnt marry someone that gave me all these daily thoughts. But now those thoughts are hard to find now that we are no longer together. Knowing he has it good with a new home, new car, new raise from a job, thinking he will probably just move on quickly agter i am gone. Meanwhile I have to find an apartment and try to get approval, having animals of my own, having to find another job. I apologize that this thread is so long but I just need a friend, someone to talk to, any advice, tips, motivation… ❤️