Can’t get over my high school crush
Okay, well, I say high school crush because we were *in* high school at the time, but I was homeschooled and she went to public school, so we didn’t like, meet or interact in a high school context at all. I met her at church when I moved to a new ward (congregation.)
We were in Sunday school together. Her dad would always say hi to me when I came in for early morning seminary on weekdays. Her whole family liked me, really. Parents, older brother, they thought I was a great guy. She liked me too, just… not the way I ended up liking her.
I should have gotten the hint, but I didn’t. I wanted to confess my feelings and she wanted to avoid that conversation at all costs, so she was very uncomfortable around me for a couple years while I tried to… I don’t even know what I was doing. At first I wanted to ask if she was interested, but after I realized she wasn’t, I still wanted to tell her how I felt.
I’m too embarrassed to go into detail and it’s all a blur anyway, but whenever I was able to have a one-on-one convo with her, either she’d make an excuse to leave, or someone else would swoop in, and when neither of those happened I would freeze up and wouldn’t be able to get the words out.
Eventually one day, when I was vague-venting to her friend about freezing up, she just said “Trust me, dude, you don’t need to tell her, she already knows.” So that was that and I was very relieved at the time. I carried a lot of guilt for making her feel uncomfortable, though. I didn’t forgive myself for a long time. But she was still relatively friendly with me, which confused me until a friend of mine pointed out that she probably didn’t blame me and knew I had been doing my best with something I didn’t know how to handle.
Well, after about eight years and no one else attracting my attention like she had, I realized I wasn’t over her like I thought I was. My feelings were keeping me from developing serious interest in anyone else. Then at a party, I fell for her all over again, as hard as I had when I was 15.
I’m so discouraged. I’m back to seeing her every week at church and sometimes at church activities during the week. My only escape is when one of us is out of town or she doesn’t feel like showing up to the activity, and it’s not much of an escape when I can’t stop thinking about her.
I think it’s because I like her family so much. I like my family, but I’ve been realizing how trapped I’ve always felt. I’ve got some pretty serious complex trauma from the way my parents have mishandled my upbringing. I think I latched onto the idea that I could marry into her family and fill the void in my life created by my unsafe familial support system. Of all the people I’ve been interested in, I never had that kind of experience with them. And I probably never will. You don’t usually get to meet people’s families in college unless they bring you home over the summer.
Add the fact that nobody’s ever really shown interest in me. I’m not very attractive, and I was an awkward kid growing up. Now my social skills, such as they’ve improved, have gone down the toilet with my declining mental health. So not only am I afraid I’ll never fall in love again, but I don’t even know if it’s possible for anyone to fall in love with *me.*
I’m in so much pain. I don’t know what to do.
@AwkwardLittleDragon
So you were attracted to her at high school age... had insight to her family could envision a nice future as a couple...
she did not have those feelings for you and now 8 years later you still think that would have been a perfect fit.... you cannot see anyone else filling that role you have created in your head..... The worst thing about these items is life does not go by the script in your head......
if you let go of the what if thoughts.... and look around not using a comparison it will help .... i will say one person i thought would be a great fit and i had an instant attraction to when i got to know them they are a dud ...... the person i married honestly at first meeting i did not see or feel any attraction to it was in getting to know them they became more attractive...... too many think it is instant and based on looks... REAL connection iMO seldom is.
We wouldn’t have been a perfect fit. We don’t have many common interests, and I don’t know about her own politics but mine are vastly different from her parents’ politics now. I’ve known for a while that she wouldn’t be a good fit. But even when I thought I wasn’t comparing people to her, I guess I was. I don’t know how to change that.
@AwkwardLittleDragon
It is so easy to do .........so many people do it ....... a dear friend had many people show interest but he was only looking for one type that was not in the cards grew lonely and bitter and past on some lovely ladies.
Some have an ideal look or type........ but the person who would be a fit....... may be right in front of them .... the key is to get to know people even if they are not your type or what you pictured.
i more then once talked to someone whom if i went by strict looks would have immediately said friend zone only .... but after chatting and laughing and getting to know them ...... i look up and see and feel an attraction .... the only thing that changed was my mind.
People almost never show interest in me. I can count the number of people who have one one hand, and I’m probably overestimating that number to be perfectly honest, because I only know of one person who made their interest explicitly clear. She was young and didn’t really know what she wanted, and I didn’t keep in touch with her. The last person who appeared to show interest in me said I was a great friend, making it clear she wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. She’s going on a mission, so I can see why she wouldn’t want to date anyone right now. Would she be interested in dating me after her mission? I have no idea, and I hate how I don’t really care if the answer is no. She hardly ever texts me, so our friendship hasn’t grown at all since we met at college. Either she’s not interested in me at all, or she doesn’t communicate, and I know I can’t be with someone who doesn’t communicate.
@AwkwardLittleDragon
I am sorry that so far you have not found connections...
honestly i missed so many signs someone was interested i totally did not pick up on clues .... maybe you are the same. I wonder if i would have been involved with someone completely different then what i ended up with IF i was not so clueless on reading people. years down the road i spoke to some old acquaintances who said they wanted to go out but i was not interested ... i was but had no idea they were.
If i realized the small chit chat was meant to be an icebreaker .... or if any of them made it clear since i was missing most of the clues. I know telling someone you have interest every time is a risk of being turned down ....... but not taking that risk also equals missing out.
I don’t even have anybody I’d take the risk with anymore. The occasional stranger, but that never works out. I never know how to strike up a conversation. I just stand there while they ignore me.