Commitment issues....

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my relationship patterns, and it’s made me realize that I’ve developed a real fear of commitment. This has led me to behave like a ho since I was around 14. Looking back, it’s almost like I’ve been on this whirlwind of infatuations without ever fully investing in anyone. 

The first significant relationship I remember was with a guy I knew pretty well. We were close in childhood, but he was two years younger than me. We chatted for about two weeks when I was 14, which was pretty much my first real experience with someone in person. Then, things got a bit complicated. I met his friend, who was closer to my age—sweet, charming, and easy to talk to. After some inner conflict, I ended things with my first guy and jumped into a relationship with his friend. Yeah, I know it was a bit of a mess, but it felt right at the moment.

We had a good run for about four months until I transitioned to in-person schooling. I was still only 14, but the friends I made there had so much to say about us, and it made me insecure. Then there was L, a guy who immediately caught my eye. He had these gorgeous brown eyes and long lashes that made him stand out. For about a month, we didn’t really talk since I had a boyfriend, and I was too scared to reach out to him. 

Our real connection happened at homecoming. He was there with my friend—things just clicked when we all hung out. However, my friend started to talk badly about him, which I didn’t appreciate. I told L about her comments, mostly because she was trying to win back her ex-boyfriend anyway. Eventually, they ended things, and a few weeks later, L told me he liked me. I really liked him too, and my friend surprisingly approved, so we started dating.

But that didn’t last long. After about two months, he ended up getting together with my best friend, who I considered a sister. That was a tough pill to swallow for me. For the next year, I felt like I was just his rebound. During that time, I dated three different guys and broke things off with all of them whenever he wanted to hang out for a week. It was chaotic and honestly kind of sad—I invested so much emotional energy in a situation that felt so one-sided and uncertain.

Finally, I managed to put L behind me last February. Since then, I’ve tried to find my footing in relationships, but it hasn’t been smooth sailing. I’ve been through two serious relationships and three talking stages, all of which ended for various reasons. 

Now I’m talking to someone who really is the sweetest guy—funny, caring, and genuinely enjoyable to be around. The catch is that our relationship is online, and I recently asked him if he thought it would be better for me to just let go of my feelings for him. He responded that he didn’t think I was ready to commit to a relationship right now and suggested we wait a few months to see if my feelings are still there. 

Hearing that was incredibly painful and heart-wrenching. It’s tough to see someone you genuinely like express doubt about where things are headed. But at the same time, it was eye-opening. It made me realize that I need to confront my fears and figure out what I really want. I’m still navigating my emotions and trying to learn from my past experiences, hoping I can break free from this cycle someday.

~Mae