Considering divorce
What’s going on:
I’ve been in a long, relationship that has become emotionally and physically draining. I started keeping a log of what’s been happening since September. My partner, D and I have been together for about 10 years and tried reconciling this past year. After I left last November
Lately I’ve realized I feel constantly monitored, pressured for sex even after saying no, and blamed whenever I express how I feel. He often checks my phone, questions my choices, and tells me things like “you always twist things” or “you’re bipolar.” He uses guilt, shame, and affection to keep me from leaving, and I find myself doing things just to keep the peace.
I love him, but I feel like I’m disappearing. I’m anxious all the time, my body hurts, and I feel scared to fully speak my truth. When I do, he either gets defensive or blames himself to make me comfort him. I’m not sure how to safely or peacefully leave. I want to stop looping in this pattern and start emotionally moving on, but I feel frozen and guilty — especially because we share a child, Isaac.
I’m not in immediate danger, but I feel trapped emotionally and mentally. I’ve been documenting everything and doing healing work, but I still feel stuck. I could really use some grounding support and help sorting through what’s healthy, what isn’t, and how to start taking steps back to myself again.
@placidCoconut6156
we fall into patterns ... we do not want to rock the boat .... we fear starting over and what would a future look like. you may need to find a way to really communicate your feelings. until that is truly shared people hold grudges or misunderstanding about what went wrong.
the "I feel" statements help in telling him how you really feel pressure /manipulated / guilt and not listened to ... people cannot argue how someone feels. if he is forming responses while you talk you can walk away and say "we can revisit when you can be present and really listen to what i am saying ".
while i appreciate you keeping a log of how you feel or what went on ... it may come across as keeping score. i also found when i did that it would get me to focus on the really little things and not the big picture. Little things add up and are hard to take when we are carrying them with us and adding on.
it is good to have clear examples to show how he shuts down conversation as examples but recalling 8 times or date and time is not helpful ... Many do start playing victim ....pretending " it is all their fault" and want someone to console them. the physical connection is what some think fixes it as they are not aware the emotional connection is what is breaking. there is no easy way to end a long term relationship until both see what you are trying to fix it is NOT working.
there is no right way or wrong way but...... Being clear with yourself and partner is important.
Yes, I am very aware of my patterns and my triggers. I am very aware of the patterns within our relationship. And I think thats what makes it so hard. Is because I see it so clearly. Yet its like my whole nerves system freezes.
And so your so correct. I can see how logging everything could lead us down the path of the victim hood. However I found that if I didnt I was ignoring what was happening. if that makes sense like I was just letting it shrink me. And I completely agree on the "I feel" statements I use this alot and somehow everything still gets flipped in conversation its so wild.
Its all just alot. Now that we are working on things. Its like he went from stonewalling and absolutely cold to be overly clingy and loving to the point I almost lack my own autonomy.
And ive sat here and cleaned up my yard per say right so ive done alot of work on myself. And I just feel like im looking for that mirror of other perspectives so thank you for yours. Truly appreciated
@placidCoconut6156
It is hard I am in something similar. I always found asking how they can push back on how I FEEL stops mine from deflecting. makes sense to keep log for you to remember on the good days that small gestures and a good day does not fix things. I get the clingy as well we can only work on us ... we cannot change them. desperate people who cling cannot be reasoned with.
Have you considered couples counseling?
Yes, however we cant seem to find one that we both vibe with at all. Nor can we seem to find a program that fit us. Its like we have different views.
@placidCoconut6156
different views on what you want from counseling or want in the relationship? finding a good fit or vibe with counselor can be very hard.......... but is often in couples counseling seems like procrastination. in even personal therapy I found I went to 3 before finding a good fit but looking back the advice or suggestions were very similar it was just delivered differently... the first one I did not want to hear what was said.
people too worried about if counselor will take sides etc. I think of all those who wait until situation is imploding and still interviewing choices... time creates stress and division grows IMO.
imagine a leaking sink/ toilet...... that develops into a flood while interviewing for the right plumber.
Oh no its more like we dont see relationships the same way.
@placidCoconut6156
What you describe is a very difficult situation to be in. It happens either way, can be the man or the woman.
You want his approval and you don't feel it being given. Probably because its not being given.
Being pressured is different than forced. But might feel the same in the heart.
What happens sometimes is we want the other person to change and improve. We want them to finally see us and approve and really love us. We want that so bad. It give all of our power to the other person. We are hostage.
Thats what I am learning. And I know i cant change him. I guess its more coming to this realization we have both shifted as people. I dont want to fix him I dont want him to change. But I also know this isnt how I envision love.
@placidCoconut6156
yes. sounds like you have been thinking about it a lot.