Constantly in conflict
Hi everyone! I'm constantly in conflict with my boyfriend and I don't know how to fix it.
I need someone to talk to. I'm in therapy but I don't think it's enough. I don't have any friends anymore and I try to talk to my family as little as possible because I don't want my unhappiness to affect the relationship between them and my boyfriend, even though it's already happened to some extent.
I find myself doing things that are in conflict with how I feel about him. A part of me loves him so much, while the other part is full of anger because I'm dealing with so many things. I'm constantly trying to get out of my comfort zone, as he has often suggested I do, but deep down I'm angry at him for it... and I feel so bad about it.
@bravePear2588
It is hard to deal with and having someone to talk to helps. i understand the limit to family as if they develop resentful feelings that linger even if you strengthen your relationship and stay together. I can tell you when you have anger and resentment sometimes love takes a beating....
Doing new things out of your comfort zone is harder and less enjoyable when someone is pushing you there instead of you doing on your own. If the "suggestions" become persistent I too would have anger or resentment. many do not see that is not helpful and wonder about if i would have enjoyed experiences better if I was not constantly pushed into it. Regardless of the outcome I had already decided I would hate it. It is a lot we want to save our relationship but feel conflicted about how we love someone who is also frustrating and causing resentment.
Is this something that couples counseling might help?
I did my own therapy and helped myself but since i cannot change my partner...... the resentment continues and it is always there. Can or have you had the ability of communicating how you feel about things to him?
I use communicating because I feel people say "we talked " but unless it sinks in and we get head nods or empty promises we have NOT communicated.
@toughTiger6481 thank you so much for your answer.
Unfortunately, the situation is complicated, and I have made many mistakes that I regret.
My anger was expressed in various ways, but the most painful for him was certainly the fact that I 'spoke badly' of him to several people: first my ex-best friend, then with an ex-boyfriend of mine (I regret this so much... I didn't really want to talk to him. What happened was that he messaged me once, I responded, and over about nine months we communicated sporadically, like once every two months or someting. He contacted me, and I would respond, but since I had no friends left, I was 'using' him to vent my suffering. I never cheated, but my boyfriend can't get past this either).
Then I spoke with my sister. In a moment of anger, I called him a manipulator, and both my ex-best friend and my sister agreed. He read my conversations with them, not because he asked directly, but because I, in an attempt to show that I didn't only speak badly of him, wanted him to read everything—not just the positive parts, but to get a complete picture of what I had said to those other people. And now, in addition to the 'betrayal,' he also feels misunderstood. He has done so many things for me, he constantly pushes me to challenge my comfort zones because if he doesn't, I stop...
I considered couples therapy but we never started it. I tried to communicate how I feel, but I find it very difficult because I feel a strong sense of guilt.
@bravePear2588
You are not alone in this.... many people vent or talk with others. You are right it is not all negative but some parts might be... If I re-read conversations when not in the angry mind frame some things look better or I think" I wish I had re-phrased" something.
I am conflicted on if partners should read conversations or text we had in past in various emotions at the time. out of contest things do not make the same things.
I also think people may forget an ex if you are still friends often can offer insight to our emotions. In my opinion this should not be something to feel guilty about. putting it back on you to be guilty only prolongs issues. I get it I too would not have done some things without a gentle nudge.. but some items i felt more pressured and i could not enjoy the moment because i resented the pressure.
@toughTiger6481 In addition, I developed an eating disorder before I met him, which caused me to stop eating anything... I lost 10 kg, and the people around me, despite noticing it, didn't support me much in solving it. I started eating again thanks to him; he insisted a lot on me doing so, but it was a real struggle. Now I eat many more things, but I feel a constant pressure to eat new things, because otherwise I stop, and this isn't good... it weighs on me a lot. And then, after 12 years, I was kicked out of a musical group I was part of, without any explanation from my teacher. The other people in the group, who were my friends, didn't object to that decision. I felt alone, and my boyfriend insisted a lot that those people didn't do anything for me, helping me to understand that they weren't true friends. But the emptiness inside me his still here...
@bravePear2588
Someone in our lives at certain points can be super helpful or supportive and we are grateful of course but that goodness does not give them permission to be not nice later and expect a pass based on that one time they were wonderful. I know we lean on those who supported us... but we need to realize that past actions do not cover present issues.
In conflict how