Controlling parents
I need advice. I’m 21 and only now realizing how controlling my parents are. They don’t want me going certain places, having certain relationships, etc. After some recent events and how they’ve been behaving, I don’t really feel comfortable telling them much about my life any more. They’ve lost those privileges. But I still want to have some sort of relationship with them, just with distance between them and my life choices and what I’m doing. How can I still have conversations with them while avoiding details about my own life? What are we supposed to talk about?
@daydreamer2421
Its important to have boundaries as ultimately it's your life and you need to live it as you see fit.
Stay strong.
You don't have to tell them personal choices or anything you don't wish to.
But just ask them about their day, what they got up to.
Keep the relationship going, because I'm sure you still love them and they love you.
Sometimes when we are not living in each others, we get on better and the relationship blossoms 💕💜
Wishing you genuinely the best navigating this whole situation 🥰
What do I do if they specifically ask certain things that I’m not comfortable with? Like asking me specific details on my financial situation or what my friends are doing or what I’m doing with my friends etc? Some questions I don’t feel are their business or I don’t feel comfortable telling them right now and idk what to do if they ask me very directly and specifically things I’m not comfortable answering
@daydreamer2421
With all sincerity … Congratulations!
You are right on track with having the life you want! I wish I had tackled this topic in my 20s!
First of all, like @Amanda84 says, “it's your life and you need to live it as you see fit. Stay strong."
And there are always second chances, meaning if you set a boundary and it doesn’t stick, then it’s worth it to try again … and conversely, if you happened make a mistake or say something you didn’t mean to, you can clarify it or apologize.
This is all going to take practice, and it will serve you for the rest of your life! And the best part, you don't have to do it alone: you have a great community to back you up! There are people who can give ideas about the questions you might face on this journey.
For instance …
“specific details on my financial situation” … If you’re financially independent from your parents, then all they are entitled to know is that you're okay. But if they are supporting you by not charging you rent and by buying groceries, etc. … there’s something to discuss. And like I said, you have a community here to help you with that difficult (but doable) conversation (I know I am here to help).
“what my friends are doing” … I suspect they just want to know you are safe. However, if you are not paying rent, then your parents might be entitled to know if you are staying out all night or coming home at a certain time frame.
Keep coming to 7Cups and receive the support we all need, to launch our lives.
@daydreamer2421
I know it's easier said then done but I would just be upfront about it and say it 💕💜
@daydreamer2421
How are you and your parents getting along?
It’s going okay. I’m basically trying to learn how to redirect conversations to topics I’m more comfortable with. I’m making some of my own decisions lately without involving them which I think helps. Between learning how to have conversations with them again and keeping certain details about my choices private, I think this could work out. My biggest worries right now are when I go back to school in a couple weeks and start hanging out with certain people or going places without telling them and they see it on my tracker. Since I grew up sheltered idk if it’s really normal to still feel like you have to tell your parents where you’re going at age 21? Or have them always tracking my phone location? There’s an amusement park I want to go to with a friend, but since my brother doesn’t like this person they don’t want me going anywhere with him (my brother is the golden child). But I was gonna bring my sister and my friend was gonna bring his friend and we figured we’d go the four of us. I just don’t want my parents to throw a fit if I go somewhere with friends of mine they don’t like. The only other concern really is just my brother. My mom desperately wants us to get along but is blaming our problems with each other on me. Lately we’ve been able to avoid the topic which has been helping, because I’m not really ready to have a relationship with my brother after all the damage that has been done. But I am happy that with learning how to have conversations again it’s been calmer with my parents. Finding new topics to discuss or talking about things in our lives that won’t cause a lot of conflict
@daydreamer2421
That’s so good to hear, how you are learning to set your own boundaries, plus experimenting with what works for you and what doesn't.
So admirable!
Regarding the question of telling your parents where you are going … it might be interesting to put that question out there in another post and see what people say (you can put it under Communities - Newbies - General Support). My opinion is … if you’re living at home, it would be nice to let one of your parents know where you are going.
I say this because my partner and I tell each other where we are going. It says, “I care about you, and I am interested in your life.” It isn’t about giving each other permission or about not trusting.
I think you’re too old to have a tracker on you. Do you think you can ask them to remove the tracker app?
If your friends aren’t a bad influence on you, then I don’t see a reason for your parents to invade your privacy.
I totally respect your decision to keep your brother out of your life. Your mom will just have to live with the truth. But it is a good idea to “avoid the topic” … and rather than say “avoid the topic”, what you are doing is respecting your own boundaries. Does that make sense?
I am so glad you are doing better. I truly appreciate your update!
@daydreamer2421,
no, it's absolutely not normal for a 21 year having to tell his parents where you're going and who you hang out with. And a phone tracker, seriously? Use a VPN.
I can understand how that makes you feel. I have a 21 year old myself.