Conversations or arguments
Hi all, newbie here.
I'm 10yrs into my marrage and have had communication issues that seem to be getting worse. My wife way diagnosed with Bipolar a couple years back but refuses to take recommended medication and only takes her chosen medication which is not for bipolar. Anyways all our conversations turn into arguments no matter how I approach them. What motivates a person to turn every conversation into an argument?
Heres a conversation we had last night.
our water was out due to city working on the water lines.
my wife asks “how are we supposed to know when the water is back on”. I replied “you walk over to a tap and turn it on”. Her response “don’t tell me what to do, you go and turn it on”.
Im at rock bottom with this marriage and figured I’d get on here as I have none else to talk to.
@straightforwardHouse5756,
have you ever considered alternative therapies if your wife doesn't wanna do regular medication?
Like
https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/therapies-bipolar-disorder
i really don’t have a say in what she considers, although she has wanted to micro-dose on cycadelics. She has tried many alternatives and this would be in my opinion just another way for her to escape reality and responsibility.
@straightforwardHouse5756
It is about how we communicate but the tone and feelings we have while communicating....
in times like water out we can be frustrated ....although you were correct in "turn the water on and see" ....in her frustration may have taken it differently.
This can be a problem in marriages....... when we have hidden issues not solved ........for example i ask spouse what he would like for a meal.... he tries to be say he could eat about anything and playing like it does not matter........... which is frustrating to me and makes the decision all on me .... so things spiral.
I hate even asking ... his placating me has only caused more issues then just friggin telling me what he wants for dinner. many examples of this type of disconnect .....
so i approach each conversation expecting a non response and tense up before the conversation even starts.
I tell him things and he pretends he does not hear me and then tells me same thing back like it was his Idea........IF i remind him "i said that " he gets defensive .... the pattern continues and he will not address the underlying resentment. i doubt medication will solve her issues and unless her therapist knows this pattern it is not coming up in conversation.
I know the frustration with asking what would you like to eat. It takes me on average about 30mins to get a decision (if at all) on what to eat from my wife.
i get we all think differently and approach conversations differently. But I’m mystified on how after 10years of living together a person still doesn’t adapt to cater for their partner. I tell my wife as straight forward as I can and would like the same courtesy. My wife has yet to tell me a single thing I’m doing wrong. It’s like because she’s thinking it I should know what she means. We have had thousands of conversations/arguments with her going at me for hours, sometimes days about how I don’t change or work on things. The whole time I ask her what she would like me to work on but she has never actually tells me what I’m doing wrong. Im not perfect but do my best to be a good husband, I work 80+hrs a week, pay all the bills, do most of the cooking, buy the groceries, ect, ect. Sure there’s stuff that I do that ticks her off but that will be with any couples and to be a couple you have to learn to live with that or tell the other it’s something they need to change. I wonder is she just needing to have conflict in her life. Is that the tick I have to live with. If it is I’m not sure I can live with it for much longer.
@straightforwardHouse5756
You have hit the nail on the head that somehow even as a long time as a couple ..... they cannot communicate clearly and assume the other knows stuff by mind reading?
my spouse also tells me to work on non specific things and cannot give example ....
i do get angry easy when i have told him what is and what is NOT recyclable yet he throws everything there and expects me to sort it before taking it to the big bin..... i do not want to dig thru garbage cause he cannot bother to ask if unsure or remember ........ It becomes my FAULT as "i know he has terrible memory" ...... NO that is not an excuse ............. it is simple disrespect PERIOD.
@straightforwardHouse5756
There are people who live for dysfunction and chaos ... and when things go bad they will blame the other spouse .... life and marriage is work i don't have time to play that dysfunction game.
To be honest I'm here for the same thing 12 years married and our conversions seem the same as your. Everything is a problem.
First I would like to say that I am very sorry you are experiencing this. Struggling with mental illness is tough, in the beginning of my relationship I did a lot of mean and hurtful things to my partner because of my conditions my upbringing and truama. But with that being said I do not believe it should be used as an excuse to be horrible to others. It’s important that partners acknowledge what is troubling them and work to fix it. Some people don’t like medication which is understandable so maybe she should try alternative methods.
10 years is a long time to be struggling with the same issues, maybe couples therapy will help, but I also think she should be working on herself. I don’t have a glimpse into your relationship and truly you are the best judge of what is best. I also struggled with my boyfriend’s tone of voice and the way he said things. I learned he just says things in a very matter of fact kind of way. Although he does have a problem with sensitivity and vulnerability so depending on the topic it would rub me the wrong way. That’s something we talked about and he works to be more empathetic.
just be honest and open and vulnerable tell her how the arguments make you feel and it’s been going on for too long. let her know that all you want to do is build a healthy relationship. I hope this helps I wish you the best.