Crossroads (Mental Health and Alcohol)
I’ve been married to my wife for 15+ years. She has always battled depression and anxiety which has gotten worse over the course of our relationship. I’ve done my best to try to help by being patient and supportive with her while putting my own needs to the side. Recently we have been struggling and arguing over her alcohol drinking. When she drinks, her mood becomes negatively amplified and it typically leads to arguments. A huge amount of our arguments throughout our relationship has been alcohol driven. When I try to point out this to her then I get told I’m being ridiculous and she will try to put other reasons behind it that aren’t true. When I try to ask her to limit her drinking or to stop then I get told that’ll never happen and I need to accept it or move on. I get told it’s not a problem and the problem is I’m being controlling. I wish she understood that it is me being concerned for us and for her overall mental and physical health.
I am feeling stuck because I want to accept her for her and understand she uses alcohol to relax at times but it’s a boundary of mine now that I don’t want her to cross since alcohol drinking leads to unnecessary arguments that ends very badly. These arguments are never focused on one problem and instead blow up to multiple problems until she finds one that is valid. It’s very confusing and energy consuming for myself. I always feel bad in the end when I shouldn’t but if I don’t try to fix things then I know she won’t because she has acknowledged she isn’t one to fix things or put effort in. I even allow myself to get pushed to the edge where I blow up even though I tell myself not to and this is due to me wanting to fix the problem and to simply me heard and seen.
I am torn on this and stuck. I want this relationship to continue but I don’t want it at the cost of it’s only me trying to improve and grow. I can’t always lead the relationship like I have done for so many years. I give her a lot of leniency since I know the mental health issues isn’t her fault. I’m slowly shutting down and it’s not good for either one of us.
I am unable to really relate to others since my friends are usually in a reverse situation where the Husband is typically the person with this issue compared to the wife.
@ToBeOrNotToBe4321,
you can't fix others, she needs to fix herself. Apparently that's a challenge for her but should not be your problem.
What happens now is you're selling out yourself on revolving your life around hers. Where does that leave YOU?
Don't get involved in any arguments. Don't start any, if she gets in a bad mood just leave, saying you need space right now. If she starts arguing, do not respond, stand your ground and leave. If that doesn't make her wonder, you seriously should ask yourself if this is what you deserve. Understanding her is one, yet there is no excuse for her behavior.
@ToBeOrNotToBe4321
No one admits they have an alcohol problem until they admit and face it themselves. they fight with anyone who suggests alcohol is a problem. We cannot change others or convince them they MUST see it for themselves. Mental health is something to be treated and dealt with not masked with substances. mental health also cannot be seen or measured so sadly some use it as an excuse for other things. we can see a broken bone on xray and see if it healed, we cannot see that in any mental health struggle.
This is no way to live and while we want to empathize with our partner. It often ends badly if a partner will not help themselves seek ways to make things better for both.
Long term damage is worse. Physical Health problems from long term alcohol use as they age. The fun of forgetfulness and my favorite them making crap up that never happened or it is always someone else's fault.
