Delusional or not

I have a crush on my bestfriend. Couple years ago I had a boyfriend. We broke up and two months later my bestfriend and i were on our friend birthday. He was drinking alcohol, I didn't. We had a sleepover at the friend's house that night, we were talking a lot and eventually it was time to go to sleep so we laid next to eachothers and he grabbed my hand. I panicked and pretended to fall asleep to pull my hand away because I felt like I was cheating on my ex (yeah, that's how messed up my past relationship was to make me think im cheating on him even tho we broke up). Two years passed and im scared that I'm starting to catch feelings after I healed from the past relationship. I have a crush on my bestfriend now. And i feel like he still might like me that way as well but then there's these thoughts in my head that says 'you're not pretty enough', 'you don't deserve to be happy, you should find a relationship thats as *** up as you', 'do you really belive that he would choose you out of all this pretty girls?'. And i would like to say that i am not insecure. I mean i am but not this much to put myself or others down. These are more like an intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I think he's giving me hints but at the same time he might be acting this way because we're friends. I dont know geniuenly what's going on. And my defense mechanism wants to cut these feelings off instantly so I wouldn't disappoint myself later. Our friend talked to him like month or two ago if he likes me. He said that we could be in relationship but he's afraid to risk years of friendship cuz we know eachothers since we were kids and he doesn't want to lose that... And i am too scared to make a first step and even if I'd have to then i don't know which one.