Did I handle this correctly?
My boyfriend and I 17F, 17M (been together almost 2 years) were having an innocent conversation on our experiences with p0rn and how we dealt with it when we were younger. I am very against watching it in our relationship and I have made that very clear, but I am confident he has not done that. However, we were on the topic of nud3s and he was talking about how guilty he feels for asking that of girls when he was middle school aged and all that. And he said that there was one girl he became friends with that he had recently apologized to for being so disrespectful in that way. Apologizing wasn’t my issue. In fact, I was very proud of him doing so and it made me proud that he was such a good person now and has grown so much especially because he is still technically young. It is very rare nowadays to find a man that not o lu doesn’t lust over other women, but can also see the damage of his own actions. Very respectable imo. However, what bothered me was the fact that he did not tell me he had contacted this woman. I also had never heard of this woman before. I was very hurt by the fact that he did not feel comfortable coming to me with his past and that he had also contacted this woman that he had known in this intimate way without me knowing. We had a long conversation, he explained every detail of how his apology went (very short and respectful), he told me he felt the need to apologize because of the overwhelming guilt of his actions and was scared to tell me because he thought i would think less of him for acting that way in the past (which is totally untrue). I reassured him that i am here for him and would have even encouraged the apology if he had just told me. I have BPD, so i tend to overthink things a lot. I asked how I would know he wouldn’t do something like this again. He promised to be more vulnerable with me and that there were no ill intentions in this situation. We have talked it out and I do forgive him, but I would like to know if I handled this correctly.
@powerfulFriend1590
You handled this with so much maturity, honesty, and emotional awareness truly, you should be proud of yourself. It’s not easy to navigate feelings of hurt and vulnerability, especially when it involves trust and someone’s past. The fact that you could express how you felt without blaming, listen to his side with an open heart, and still offer reassurance says a lot about the strength of your character and your love. It makes perfect sense that it hurt to find out he had contacted someone from his past without telling you. That’s a completely valid reaction, especially since transparency and emotional safety matter so much to you. The important thing is that you didn’t let your emotions take over the conversation you communicated, you listened, and you showed compassion. That’s not just “handling it well” that’s handling it with grace And even with your BPD making emotions feel extra loud sometimes, you still approached this from a place of understanding rather than fear. That’s powerful. You asked important questions, set a boundary, and reminded him that he can come to you without shame. That builds trust. It’s okay to still feel a little shaky about it that doesn’t mean you’re being unreasonable. You’re just human, and being vulnerable always carries a bit of weight. But from everything you've said, it sounds like your boyfriend truly respects you and wants to grow with you. That’s worth nurturing. You’re doing amazing. Keep trusting your gut, keep communicating, and keep being the thoughtful and courageous partner you clearly are. 💛
this is so sweet thank you so much for this. i really needed it
Hi, Dimps here :) I just want you to know that you are incredibly strong for even asking if YOU made any mistakes in how you handled things. And i would say, you are allowed to feel how you were feeling. As long as he addressed it and reassured you, that’s all that matters. You guys are young and things are bound to shake the relationship up a little, but for the both of you guys ages, you guys handled this situation extremely well. As long as he continues from here on out to be more vulnerable (as he stated) and more transparent, i think you guys may just have a long and beautiful relationship together. I hope everything works out for you.
Hi, Dimps here :) I just want you to know that you are incredibly strong for even asking if YOU made any mistakes in how you handled things. And i would say, you are allowed to feel how you were feeling. As long as he addressed it and reassured you, that’s all that matters. You guys are young and things are bound to shake the relationship up a little, but for the both of you guys ages, you guys handled this situation extremely well. As long as he continues from here on out to be more vulnerable (as he stated) and more transparent, i think you guys may just have a long and beautiful relationship together. I hope everything works out for you.
