Differences

I was in a relationship for a few months. To be fair it was on and off; for the first two months we were okay but then she suddenly said we weren't meant to be and asked me to let her go and break up. I loved her, so I did. 6 months later she came back and apologized for treating me badly, three months in and she ghosted me constantly and didn't break up with me properly. Two years had passed and I met someone online; within those two years were just me questioning every single thing about myself. Was I even worth it? Am I that unlovable? Was I too much?

I moved on slowly. I met someone online and we talked a lot and did a lot of stuff together like playing games, matching profiles, and just talking. One day I confessed my feelings, it took me a lot of courage after that relationship from two years ago. I felt hopeful. But now we're four months in and I feel like I'm losing myself. I always try to be understanding, to be present, to be gentle—but she's different. She has a sharp tongue and especially if she's mad. I get her because she didn't have the most gentle past and her exes were terrible to her. I wanted to be the partner that will treat her properly and almost spoiling her, but right now I feel scared.

We just recently got into a misunderstanding and she was mad—she cussed me off and called me names, it pierced me. I thought she loved me—it made me doubt because she said all those words too casually and I'm stumped. I was explaining why but she kept saying it was all an excuse for me to hurt her when in truth, I never wanted to hurt her. She's sensitive and she sees things differently—I want to understand and I also wanted to be understood so I explained and tried my very best.

I know that being hostile is her way of coping, but I don't know if I'm prepared for more. I'm tired and I genuinely don't know what to do. I try to watch my words and be clear about my intentions, and yet, I still mess up. I wanted to be loved gently—to be loved the same way as I love. I knew that being in a relationship isn't always full of days where you're all cozy and sweet, there are times where you'll have misunderstandings and argue; afterall, we're still human and we're different. I understand, I always do, but sometimes I can't help but ask if she does.

I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who's hurting here, me and my partner are. I don't want to hurt her, so does that mean that I need to shut up? If I say something wrong and then it'll just be silence, nothing less nothing more. I love her, I love her too much. But I feel like a moth drawn to the flame that only burns—I feel like a candle that only wants to warm her up, but she misunderstands the melted wax and thinks that I want to hurt her.

I feel like everything is my fault, and maybe this is why I'll never be loved the way that I want to. I give too much and I receive either materialistic gifts or pain and harshness. As a child I always get yelled at for messing up—either that or I get the silent treatment. Experiencing that whilst being in a relationship makes me sick. I never grew up and I probably never will. I'm still the same child who only wants to be loved gently. Not a love so grand like those in fairy tales, but a love where your partner sees you as an equal. A love where the person feels like home. I guess the bare minimum to me feels more like a fairy tale compared to fictional ones.

I see her for who she is, her flaws and everything that makes her—her. She's a person who's struggling and still healing, I want to be there for her and support her. But how can I when everytime I try, something triggers her and then I mess up and I hurt her. It feels cold and painful, it feels like walking on a rope where if you fall—you're gone. Though, maybe overtime I'll learn how to balance on that fickle rope better. Being the yearner sucks I guess haha. They said it was romantic but really, it's just suffering laced with love.