Do I expect too much from life or should I let my bf go?

Hi everyone. I’ll try to keep this short. I’m 34F in recovery for a while now, in a relationship with 35M for 1.5 years (roughly). I want a family eventually and have worked long to be “normal” (have a social circle, work full time, go out, etc). 

The latter I’ve mostly managed by now, with some hiccups here and there. I get overwhelmed by too much socialising (I had an extremely isolated/neglected childhood), so often I used to withdraw (isolation used to be my coping mechanism)… by now I’m trying to more stay with my partner instead of isolating. My head beats me down (inner critic and immense shame and self hate abusing me) a lot of the time in episodes, and then I am exhausted trying to be “normal” (ie go to work, socialise, function, have a normal mood). It is really hard. I get very sad, depressed, have a lowered tolerance for stress (because I spend energy trying to be normal), am very self critical, cry a lot and don’t want to socialise during those times. I lately started a new job and am doing my drivers license simultaneously and at the start of the year my dad died, so you can imagine I have been having more “funks” than regular. My partner expressed he is worried by this.

I am at a stalemate with therapy. My therapist (psychoanalysis) tells me he has no tools or ideas or methods left to help me, and he doesn’t know any other therapy that can help me deal with any or all of this. He thinks my trauma is relational (which it is), so we have to do relation work in therapy to get further and for me to stop controlling my emotions and behaviour so much (cos I think people won’t be able to stand me or want to be near me when I show how I feel and how sad I am etc). So I am at a stalemate here. I have not looked further into other therapy cos I frankly feel extremely lost here and unsure where to turn. I have been in therapy since I was 17, so half my life, and I did a lot (dbt, cbt, talking) and generally I try my best to move forward (expose myself, be very kind to myself, exercise, socialise, meditate etc). The inner critic is destroying me and the repeated depressive episodes drag me down a lot. And I don’t know how to move from here or generally anymore what to do. I want to ask my psychiatrist tomorrow for a form of ketamine infusions, but unsure if it will help (I’ve also tried tons of different medications).

So my point is. I’m trying my HARDEST to heal and recover but I keep getting very sad and depressed and overwhelmed and of course my partner notices, is affected by it (he gets sad for me, wants to help me). We have very open, direct and honest communication generally. My latest funk has been longer. I’m terrified I will lose him by being too sad for too long (I couldnt even fault him if he decided to eventually leave me over this, he wouldn’t be happy anymore like this I think long term if I don’t get better). And we’re both a certain age and want a family. I asked him yesterday in tears if he’s sure he wants to spend his time and energy on me, he deserves a family, I can’t guarantee i will ever be healthy enough or “not sad”… and he is a lovely, wonderful human being and he deserves kids and a loving, normal healthy partners . He in tears too says he loves me either way when I am sad, and even if I don’t have hope that I will improve significantly long term, he does. I want this desperately and am willing to put in the work. I just don’t know how or where. And these repeated episodes get me down a lot. I have to work hard and am exhausted a lot by being “normal”. Am I expecting too much out of life (am I too damaged to lead a normal life, should I stop trying and accept I’m not normal and can’t have a normal life) and should I let him go (this is a critical time for forging relationships if you want to have kids, being mid 30s. There’s not that much time left anymore. And since I can’t guarantee improving considerably eventually I am terrified he will be stuck with a depressed partner forever. He deserves to have the happiest life 😞)? 

Maybe I’m not made to be with people or to have this life. I’m trying so hard, and yes I did improve significantly during the last year but I think I will always have these episodes and it is exhausting being around someone like me. Maybe I’m not meant to be with anybody (despite I have abandonment trauma, I WANT to be with him long long long term ie marry him etc. , I’m just terrified it’s not the right or best choice for him to be happy… plus I am terrified of being alone and I think it is not good for me either mental health wise). Any advice here 😞?

In our last conversation we came back to the point that I should try a new therapist, because this one (as he said himself) has reached his limits to help me. I haven’t looked for a new one yet because part of me doesn’t believe there’s lasting change possible, like what is anybody gonna do with me 😞. I think it’ll take another decade to undo all of this as in time is a healer. But I don’t have that much time left for what I want and I’m not sure he’d want to spend his time this way. 

(And don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave him or him to leave me, I am so extremely happy with him as I’ve never been. I’m TERRIFIED of the possibility. So I want to keep this relationship as healthy and us both as happy in it as possible. Just in case this sounds like the opposite (he told me sometimes it does when I ask things like are you sure this is what you want)).