Doubts about future of marriage
Hi everyone. I've been married for 4 years (together 9 years) but I've been struggling with doubts about the future of the relationship.
I guess there are quite a lot of little things that seem superficial on their own, but obviously stack up, plus a couple of bigger things. I won't try to list everything right off the bat, but happy to go into more detail/provide more examples if necessary.
To provide a summary of the situation, I find that whenever I think about future plans (moving house, travelling, or even just how we're going to spend next Christmas) I just can't "see" it - all of the negative points come immediately to mind and I end up thinking "I can't put up with that". I do think I've been guilty of not allowing myself time to process these thoughts; I tend to distract myself with work, hobbies etc. I think this has made the situation worse because it's resulted in me pulling away to some degree, which is something that has started to affect my spouse. But I keep coming back around to the same thoughts... I think there is a growing divide in terms of our priorities/opinions, probably triggered by the pandemic (my partner has always struggled with germophobia/health anxiety and, honestly, I've always done my best to accommodate this, but it's deteriorated to a point that I'm not sure I can deal with).
What I'm looking for initially is a sense of whether I'm justified in having these doubts; are these things that should have me questioning my future, or do I need to seek some form of help?
@Vaex
I hear you and get it.... small but constant annoyances and differences add up faster than most people think............. I have a few items like that with my spouse so I picture only myself and others when i think of future things/ vacations etc too...
it is hard because I have ignored or put up with these small things for a long time.... and then i finally snapped............. I told him i always hated this or that and simply could not deal any longer .... he made changes on this stuff and although he has almost slips back into items he adjusted and i appreciate the effort.
He often asks why i did not speak up sooner or found work around. Because i thought they were superficial items and not that big of thing ... but when added up day after day it is an issue...
IMO some feel it has to be a big problem or issue to kill a relationship but mine has almost bled to death from a million little cuts.
Priorities is a big one where he has zero sense of urgency then freaks out when we are running out of time to get something done... this is one he cannot seem to get on board with....
Thanks for the reply! Good to know I'm not alone in feeling like the little things are getting too much... unfortunately I can't see them agreeing to any changes in this case since so much of it is rooted in the germophobia/health anxiety... and I'm not sure that persuading them to seek help on that front is a battle I want to take on 🙁
@Vaex
It is hard to get to the points we want to address without getting a defensive or emotional response...
The "I feel " statement can help a bit but was not a cure all for my relationship... i still get defensive responses and i have to repeat this is how i feel ... not saying you always do this or that....
I am finding recently that mine has been taking more notice of comments i make..... for example watching TV the other day ... a character did some annoying habits my spouse has and i just commented to the TV ... "and he wonders why she i leaving him" he has been very on point in not doing this habit around me...
Maybe you could say "have you ever noticed germophobes on tv always seem to be avoided and often portrayed as single and alone.... ?"
I feel so many have this now or it has spun out of control as a consequence of the Covid experience. sometimes if they see themselves in examples they get it ...
What's difficult here is that they know they're being "more extreme" than most people, but rather than taking that as a sign that maybe it's a bit of an overreaction, they see it as everyone else being "crazy" not to be so worried/cautious... I've tried to suggest that it's something they perhaps need professional help to overcome, but the response is sometimes even on the level that _I'm_ the one requiring therapy (this was probably when I got a bit emotional one time because I hadn't seen my parents in months because my partner is still cautious about us visiting people indoors...)
@Vaex
This was media induced panic and he is not the only one doing this.. i feel for you i can barely handle a neighbor who is like this let alone living with them.
@Vaex
Have you discussed these things wiht your spouse? What does he say about them? Is there mutual agreement to work on problem areas?
Some of it has been brought up at various points, but mainly in the heat of an argument. Unfortunately, one of my issues with the relationship is that I don't feel I can discuss any of these things without triggering an emotional/defensive response; I don't feel that we can have a calm discussion about certain topics, which is a big concern in a relationship...