Emotionally reliant partner
Hi,
I am struggling in my relationship. Mainly I feel unseen by my partner. It feels to me as if we both live for him.
I have a history of adapting to partners and not focusing enough on what I want for myself.
In my current relationship I do make sure that I am not falling behind on my career and finances at least - but it sometimes creates friction. While I work a lot to run my business and navigate the tasks of daily life, I am met with a partner who needs a lot of support in every aspect of his life:
A hobby that is mentally exhausting and highly competitive (Chess!)
A job environment that can be frustrating (Mismanagement, rivalry with colleagues)
Tiredness and not being on top of his chores (Laundry, cleaning, getting up and being active in the morning) - which is VERY! unattractive to me.
Living in a foreign country with very limited knowledge of the language.
I often feel pushed into a position where I act as a mom or coach: cheering him on, dissecting his problems together with him, researching solutions etc. - whilst managing my challenges myself and not talking much about it.
Please help! I am currently unsure if I want to work to improve the relationship or just break up.
@KindMango1301
"I am struggling in my relationship. Mainly I feel unseen by my partner. It feels to me as if we both live for him."
"I have a history of adapting to partners and not focusing enough on what I want for myself."
@KindMango1301
I think the problem is a relationship always consists of two people, and most issues are not any person's faults, but the way how they interact in a relationship.
How would you like to draw your boundaries in this relationship?
From the observer's point of view, I would have the following reflections:
Chess: Everybody's different—he may have his hobby while you may have your business/career. Nobody is right or wrong. They are just different attitudes. Only if he expected from you making some sacrifices because of his hobby (like cleaning after he invited a friend for chess, or him talking online late when you want to sleep), that would be weird.
Job frustrations: Do you think it is possible he may want to discuss his problems from work, while you don't want to discuss yours because you are used to solve your problems by yourself? Does it fit the pattern (again) of nobody's right/nobody's wrong/you are just different?
I believe a lot of work in each and every relationship is understanding and managing the differences between people: their attitudes, opinions, values or personality traits. It can be a burden, but it can be enriching as well.
The differences can also be in small things: one person sitting up very late while another being an early bird; one going out for some jogging at dawn while another staring at the window with a cup of coffee.
I would totally agree with you about hygiene, laundry and daily chores. You should be both participating in that, and there are no excuses for him. And it could be precious for your partner to know that men who are not fresh and tidy are not very attractive.
Also, I think that is very irresponsible to not learn any foreign language (e.g. local or English) while living in a foreign country.
How would you feel with being satisfied with some minor changes (like a shaved man with clean socks) instead of trying major changes (like expecting him to give up chess)? At the same time being calmly observant if this man and this relationship was the right match for you?
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me!
I definitely don’t want him to give up chess - I’m happy to support his hobby. I get that when you’re into a sport or even just following a team, winning or losing can affect your mood. But sometimes it goes a bit too far for me, and I feel like some of those performance struggles should be talked through with his chess friends or maybe a coach - not his girlfriend? :)
Overall, I really don’t think I’m asking for much. Just small things, like handling chores like an adult. He still has a pretty childish mindset about it - like doing laundry every two weeks is some huge accomplishment. Everyone’s busy, but everyone still gets stuff done, so stop crying out about it already, you know what I mean?
I guess I gotta have some straight forward talk with him.