End of my rope

My wife has had a very rough upbringing, and was abused frequently. She suffers from PTSD and recieved a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which obviously does not clinically exist and is now widely recognized as a manifestation of severe PTSD.

3 years ago, she discovered that she may have been able to pursue legal action against her abuser when she was younger, however the information was kept secret from her by her parents, who did not feel it necessary to pursue (likely out of embarrassment for who it would be exposing as an abuser).

Long story semi-short: for the past 3 years, she has been unable to work due to the intensive therapy regimen she is currently on, and the stress of finding out that information has made it very difficult for her to maintain friendships and relationships-even with therapists or other Healthcare staff.

It has put us in a financial bind. In addition to being the sole breadwinner- i am also the only person who cooks/cleans/maintains the house- which we recently discovered our garage is collapsing due to flooding that occurred a few weeks ago- this also happened to bring mice into the home which have caused damage to door trims and they invaded her car.

I am doing my best to manage all of the areas of stress in life that she is unable to address, and have also been taking care of her as well as our 2 dogs and cat.

Now, I'm not perfect by any means. I used to have a terrible temper and view of the world, but I have been working diligently with a therapist to better understand and handle my emotions.

The issue now, is that I am running ragged-between work and home stressors, I have no time to take for myself to decompress. Ive tried planning things to go out, but our friends have all cut us out of their lives due to the volatile nature of some of her behaviors and words.

We've been arguing more frequently, and she persistently accuses me of gaslighting her and being emotionally abusive. I feel like im going insane, because ive been working so hard on being open and honest, and I do my best to practice active listening. I just find that I dont agree with a lot of her assertions about people, or the world, or the way that she handles herself or situations- to which I often find myself enabling her negative assertions to avoid any emotional backlash for chiming in otherwise.

For the past 2 days, ive been trying to validate her feelings while maintaining the one and only boundary I have: which is to refrain from heavy discussions late at night (10-11pm). She claims that this is a boundary that is limiting her ability to function, and that im silencing her, when I continually reassure her that I would be very much open to a discussion the following day.

I always do my best to not raise my voice, and remain levelheaded, and I do slip occasionally. The other day, I was so overwhelmed with all of aggressive assertions that I asked her what she does all day and pointed to her corner of the living room that is littered with chip bags and empty soda cans. (We have mice, and now we have ants). I know this was somewhat insensitive, as she does focus heavily on her treatment and homework, and does what she feels she can- but to be honest, i mostly watch her watch hours of YouTube videos or play her switch for 70% of the day.

The biggest thing lately, is that whenever I ask to take a break from an argument, just 10-20 minutes to go for a walk and clear my head to ensure im being appropriate, she will tell me im abandoning her on purpose. She's told me that im the only person she has left to depend on, and blames me for our friends not being around. She will even tell me actively to go for a walk or get out of the house, and then will continually stand in the way and physically prevent me from leaving. She tells me im a piece of ***, and that she hates me (lately, pretty frequently). Im doing my best to follow my therapists advice to find things that bring me comfort and not become defensive when she really digs in, but It's becoming increasingly difficult to feel like she'll ever understand what she's putting me through.

There's a lot I left out (surprisingly) but at least for a start i could use some assistance in better understanding what I can do to assist her, or if anyone has any coping mechanisms that have been helpful for them in times of extreme duress, please share.

I cant keep being screamed at, and then being blamed for "making her scream at me".