Enmeshed (serious) boyfriend advice
My long distance boyfriend/fiancé is military and an only son, including sadly only has a handful of family members. If this helps.
I believe my boyfriend/fiancee is an enmeshed relationship with his parents. The main reason I believe that is he literally can’t say no or yes to them but just says ok and it happens, they don’t really ask him either. He defends me though in conversation with them if they say something out of line but will later defend them when I say I get bothered by their words or decisions. His mother is mainly the culprit for these situations where she’ll say let’s do this or that or I’m going to do this and it goes, sometimes she asks but does it some other way whether convincing him or not, only to my bf though. My bf constantly feels like they’re going to pass soon or guilty for not doing more or being better son, even though he’s been unbelievably good, successful, and everything they believe.
Truthfully I don’t know how to go about it with him because now he’s letting them run things we’re supposed to be building up or experiencing together. I get he’s the only son and that he’s successful but it now feels like I’m competing or begging for him to be with me. We were supposed to spend Christmas and new years together for him to meet my side of family but his parents/mother just basically said “Thanksgiving and Christmas we celebrate together and we can bring family dog for a week to your place” and he just says ok. Even though he tells me later that it’s complicated with work and that he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to have work off or what will be happening then… like why agree to your parents if you don’t know but with me it’s unsure. He kept back peddling and kinda lost with what he was saying, like he was trying to defend his parents on why his parents can visit or he visits them but ended up blurting out “of course I’ll always have time for them, they’re always priority to me” so ouch. It’s starting bother me and my bad habits are starting to push him away entirely but I don’t want to, I’m just scared he’s going to bothered my feelings again and make me feel last in his priorities and treat me poorly because of his parents. I don’t blame his parents either it’s mainly him allowing it.
Do I tell him he’s in enmeshment situation with his parents? and if so how?
@discreetMango7530
I don't think it's ever wise to come between a person and their parents.
Because they'll always defend them.
Your feelings matter absolutely.
And you are in a relationship with him and deserve to be respected.
But I would choose my battles and try to compromise where you feel like a priority while still respecting his time with his parents 💛
I think after some time to think about properly and actually see more clearly what that word entails, I really do need to just leave it up to him in regards to his parents and his problems. All I can do is tell him how I feel and see if he’s willing to help himself or the relationship if he thinks he needs it, I can’t force him to do anything and I definitely don’t want to give ultimatums.
So yes you are right so thank you!
@discreetMango7530
A pleasure 💜
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