Feeling lonely, burnt out, and rejected.

This is a long one so bear with me. 

I (42m) have been married 11 years, together 18.

Before my wife, I was in a relationship with a girl who I fell head over heels for. I saw her as my soulmate, and someone I couldn’t imagine not being with. But it was only 10 months, then she broke up with me due to my jealousy. 

When my wife and I got together, it was great at first, but we had some issues after a couple of years. I contacted my ex and we met up a few times. Nothing happened, and it was just as friends, but I realised I still had deep feelings for her. 

We had an opportunity to get back together but I opted to stay with my wife (then gf). 

A few years later, my wife and I got engaged and my ex congratulated me. But I told her I didn’t want to hear it from her because of my feelings. Probably sensibly, she immediately cut off contact with me. I was really hurt but over time the pain dulled and I got over it. That was 13 years ago. 

My wife and I got married, had kids, the usual, and things were up and down, sometimes good or great, other times bad or awful, until Covid. Since then, it’s been endless stress. We lost 7 people between 2019/2020 including my wife’s mother, aunt, and uncle. I lost my job and had to find another, my wife had three seizures so couldn’t drive, my mum almost passed away, and our eldest has had issues at school. Add to that cost of living crisis, mortgage increase, and lack of socialising due to where we live and we have drifted apart quite a bit as well as putting on weight and not having sex. 

Last year, I burned out because of all of this. My job was stressful, and I was doing the majority of the driving due to my wife not being able to. I was also having a lot of nightmares, and then had one that my ex had died. I was shown a photo album by her husband that had photos of her, and was told she had become sick and passed away. 

When I woke up, I was genuinely upset. I was concerned she might be ill or worse. My wife suggested I speak to her to see how she was. I found her online and checked to see if she was ok. She’d had a rough couple of years (I’ve since found out she had two girls and then her and her husband split up) and was now doing better through therapy. I then asked if she’d like to meet up as friends and catch up. As I was going to be in the area for a couple of days at the end of the month.

However, in the week, I was told my job was likely going to be made redundant so I’d be jobless. That hit me like a brick. I’d be without an income, with two kids and a mortgage. 

Then my ex came back and said she didn’t want to meet and in fact wanted to cut contact. I was a chapter in her life she looked on fondly, but she didn’t want to look to the past but move forward. 

I can respect that, but my God it hurts. I feel like I’ve been dumped. Not by an ex, but by a friend, which hurts more. 

Through my life, I’ve been rejected so many times by people, particularly girls, and I’d hoped that she and I could remain friends, so I’m devastated she doesn’t want to know me. 

I have no close friendship group, and my wife and I are distant at the moment, so I just feel completely lonely, especially since I work from home. Perhaps that’s why I had a nightmare about my ex. Perhaps I shouldn’t have contacted her. But I was so worried I’d never speak to her again. Now I fear that our last messages were it, forever. 

I know my wife and I need to reconnect, but our lives are so stressful right now with work and kids etc and I just don’t know how to. Everything costs so much and at the end of the day, we’re both knackered out and want to sleep. I have no idea how to carve out time for myself, let alone us as a couple. 

This is more of a vent, than asking for advice, but I feel horrible. My stress and anxiety over my job, my

marriage, and my now non-existent friendship with my ex, are just soul destroying.

My body feels like it’s buzzing which is a stress response apparently. I’m not sleeping, I feel sick, and I have to put on this mask each day to pretend I’m ok. When I’m not. 

i feel like a jigsaw with missing pieces around the edge. I don’t know who I am anymore. I have no hobbies, very little time for hobbies. And I see my life zooming past. It all feels so pointless. 

so there we are. Perhaps people will read this and feel better about their lives which is a plus.