Financial and efforts
Financial and effort problems have been on my mind for a long time. Back then, my partner was already working, and I also had my own source of income. Most of his salary went to paying for his motorcycle, and I understood that because I knew it was something important for him. I never expected expensive things from him. Even small efforts that didn’t require money would have meant a lot to me because I’m not a materialistic person.
But most of the time, his focus has always been on himself and his own wants. Now we’ve been together for 3 years and we’re already living in the same house. I also have a stable income, but as a woman, I started questioning why I’m the one carrying most of the financial responsibilities in our home. Groceries, bills, appliances — most of those expenses come from me, while he continues focusing on his own hobbies and personal interests.
Sometimes I ask myself, what am I in this relationship? Does he even see me? Does he notice my efforts?
There are also times when he says hurtful things to me. When he comes home from work, he’s usually focused on online games. Even on his days off, most of his attention goes to gaming or his motorcycle. Sometimes I feel invisible in this relationship.
Whenever I try to open up about my feelings, he says I’m just “throwing back” everything I’ve done for him. But that’s not who I am. I was not raised by my parents to keep score or make someone feel indebted to me. Even if I had the right to do that, I still wouldn’t.
There are times when, if I stop buying groceries and leave it all to him, we end up lacking basic needs and struggling while waiting for his salary. That’s why I feel like I have no choice but to spend more, because money comes to me faster and I can’t just let us suffer.
I’ve also suggested that maybe he could look for a better job or another opportunity that could make life easier for both of us, but he doesn’t want to. It feels like he doesn’t want to make changes or find ways for us to improve our situation together.
@decisiveOcean6203
It is hard to deal with you are not alone. IF we end up feeling like we did more and carried the weight of finances.
You are "comfortable and stable" to him. It becomes a thought in back of our mind and is a seed of resentment.
He knows you will not let any balls you are juggling fall......... so he has no incentive to for example search for a better job. take finances as a shared expense or seriously. he does not see how his personal spending reflects to us that we are an afterthought. his saying you are keeping score or throwing back all the things you do... it is his deflection he knows he is wrong but does not know how fed up you are. FINANCE is one of the big reasons for relationship or marriages ending. I found out the hard way I should have talked more early on than let it fester into a resentment.
@toughTiger6481 What my partner and I did was open up a joint account. We both still have our own accounts but the joint account is used to pay common expenses (groceries, electricity, internet etc.). In our case we each put an equal amount into the account each month. I could see, if their was an income disparity, putting proportionate amounts in. This makes it simple to ensure both parties are contributing their fair share.