Fourth Lifetime

This is just a brain dump.

I feel like I've lived three lifetimes: 

1. From birth to the end of high school, when day-to-day life was static. I saw the same people every day, did the same activities after school, lived in the same house, etc. It was simple and easy, and "happy."

2. University through my divorce and first major mental health crisis. I had finally "left the nest," knew no one, had no friends, struggled to make social connections, and had to change my entire life plan more than once. I married too young, moved too far, and believed too many lies. I diminished myself for the sake of my husband, who stole my happiness, my hobbies, and my self-esteem. Spending three days in a psych hospital changed everything.

3. Reckless and selfish phase to finding steady ground and realizing my goals. Having only been with one man, I decided to reclaim my "wild party years" by meeting men from dating apps for casual sex. Over the course of eight months, I had dozens of encounters I do not regret at all, and a small handful that I do. In hindsight, I should have worked on my self-worth before embarking on this endeavour in order to keep myself safe. Luckily, a career move took me across the country, where I met someone incredible, advanced myself professionally, and became a parent.

Now, it's all gone. My child died, my partner broke up with me, I had already abandoned my career in favour of more family time (ironic considering I no longer have a family), and became functionally homeless 3000km from the place I had called home. 

I'm in flux. People have stepped in to help me, but their kindness and generosity is wearing thin. I'm on my feet, but unsteady, and I'm certain an unexpected breeze would send me toppling.

And yet a new person has presented himself. He's unlike any other I've been with, in both good and unknown ways. There's apprehension, excitement, uncertainty, and guilt in the undercurrent of every situation. I'm assured time and again that everything is okay, I'm doing nothing wrong, I'm allowed to explore things that make me feel good, but it's still hard, and I still cry when I think of my daughter and what she'd think about everything that's happened. I guess this is the start of my fourth lifetime.