Friends with my ex after two years of NO CONTACT
Guys, I need to get something off my chest. Two years ago, my friends I produced to a friend of theirs. We grew fond of each other and started dating, but we jumped in too quickly. We dated for 8 months and while we had good times, we had things we needed to work on. He told me after 8 months that he was never ready fir a relationship and that I deserved better. He told me he didn't want me to feel like he wasted my time. I accepted his decision but explained that I was hurt and had to block him to recover.
But...I never did. Two years later I still thought about him, I finally unblocked him and he decided to request me on media. We became friends and I thought I was over things, but I found out he's talking to someone new and I'm hurt about it. I shouldn't be hurt... it makes no sense. He considers me one of the 'bros' but I'm still here stuck in the past.
Please, I really need advice on how to move on officially. I feel like a fool, and I hate that I wished things between us had worked. He was the best I ever dated. I wish I could be more mature about this and forget.
@gentleOak5612 Actually, it does make sense. Even though it’s been years since you last talked to each other, this person was someone who became important to you and someone you cared for. He was both a friend and your boyfriend. How can someone let go so easily when it comes down to losing two people in one?
He set boundaries so that we can't 'hang' one on one but we can hang out in a group. We play games with our friend group, it's hard to be distant when he wants me there as one of the 'bros'.
@gentleOak5612 I think the distance you two already have between each other is appropriate, given your romantic history. I’d like to believe that he maintains this boundary not only for himself but also for you, because he knows he can’t give you more than a friendship.
I talked to our friends about it, and they said I just have to suck it up, and move foward. I didn't realize being friends with him would open up such wounds. I am ashamed...
@gentleOak5612 I’m sure your friends have good intentions, but if by “suck it up” they mean ignoring your feelings for him, I don’t think that would work—or be healthy. This is why I don’t want you to keep your decision to have more distance between you to yourself if that will help you deal with your feelings toward him.
I really wish it was us. I wish I could be with him. I never stopped wishing... I'm completely torn about this and I don't know what to do. I'm the one that prayed for him to come back into my life, I didnt k ow it would actually happen. I can't just back out now, he considers me a friend and is always trying to include me in our gaming events. I have to let go, but I don't know how and it's eating me inside out...
An adult should be able to handle this better and I'm not... it's like I'm feeling heartbreak foe the first time
I really wish it was us. I wish I could be with him. I never stopped wishing... I'm completely torn about this and I don't know what to do. I'm the one that prayed for him to come back into my life, I didnt k ow it would actually happen. I can't just back out now, he considers me a friend and is always trying to include me in our gaming events. I have to let go, but I don't know how and it's eating me inside out...
An adult should be able to handle this better and I'm not... it's like I'm feeling heartbreak foe the first time
@gentleOak5612 I understand the conflict you must be feeling. Even though you want to be with him, you know you cannot because he considers you a friend. So, you feel like you should let him go. But I want to mention something that might shift your perception of the situation.
This is true. You think I should definitely still be friends? I was thinking of blocking him again. For GOOD... but he seems to really want me part of the friend group. He always wanted us to be friends, even right after the breakup. It's something I prayed for, I unblocked him thinking nothing of it but he reached out as soon as I did. It's very confusing, these feelings. I have to try and accept that the romance we had is gone forever. I'm desperate to forget.
@gentleOak5612 There is a risk that continued contact could keep your romantic feelings alive and reopen old wounds, but I am still considering the possibility of maintaining a friendship. It seems that losing contact over the years made it more difficult for you to move on. So, I see this friendship as an opportunity to deal with that loss alongside someone who understands what you’re going through, since I assume he has experienced a similar loss as well. However, don’t limit yourself to only his companionship—allow yourself to connect with other people who understand you and can provide the emotional support you need right now.
@intellectualvase5718
I can't see what you wrote here
@gentleOak5612 This is what I wrote. I hope you will be able to see it this time.
Thank you, I will try to speak to other friends. My main friends are HIS friends as well so it's a bit complicated. I'm just trying to cope and accept that what I had hoped for was nothing but delusion. I'm pretty sure he's aware of it without me even saying anything. Which is even more embarrassing
@gentleOak5612 Anytime you want to talk to someone, I hope you’ll consider me. I’m always open to talking. In the future, I might not reply right away if I get busier, but I will respond eventually. I know how difficult it can be to recover from a past relationship, especially when your friends are also friends with your ex. That’s why I want to make sure you have other people in your life, besides your current friends, whom you can talk to.
Thank you for listening to me. I still feel extremely sad but I'm so glad you at least understand where I'm coming from. My friends were bashing me about it because its been two years and we've both dated other people on and off. I was just hoping we'd have a other shot but that was honestly my own delusion. It's time I try to let it go
@gentleOak5612 I do understand—not only from my knowledge of human psychology, but also from my own personal experience. It’s been years since I’ve talked to someone who was very dear to me, and I still have the same feelings of love and care that I once had for that person. However, I’ve come to realize that this doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on, because I accept that what I once had with this person will never be possible again, no matter what either of us did or could have done.
Thank you. I will try to keep my mind open about your words! It has helped, hoping that I'll get to a point where being friends doesn't hurt me
@gentleOak5612 I’m glad to hear that my words helped, even if only a little. I’m confident that you’ll be able to reach a place of acceptance, especially now that you have the chance to focus on simply being friends.
@intellectualVase2518
I had a giant revelation. It's painful...but bittersweet. My ex seeing someone new triggered me in a way where I realized I really was still in love with him. After a lot of crying, I removed myself from his media. I still have him on playstation for when we play with our friends, but I will not be seeing anything he posts. This way I can protect our connection from an negative feelings I may have.
His returning has elevated me to move foward even while it still hurts. It showed me patterns about myself, and what real love is. Our story is truly over, and we will never be close again. I will never see him in person again. But I will be there online when we play and I will cherish it.
@gentleOak5612 I am proud of you for being able to acknowledge your triggers and take action to avoid intensifying the negative emotions they cause—especially in such a healthy way.
I will always love him, always. Just from a distance
Edit: so I decided to join the group we are in on playstation. I've been doing it without getting on the groupchat but they said I can't do that anymore no exceptions. I'm officially part of the group and if I want to play with them I have to play by their rules, regardless of how I feel about my ex. I want to be included, but I also want to be understood. This Is very complicated and all I've done is made things worse.
@gentleOak5612 I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to be in this situation. On one hand, you want to belong and remain part of the group so that you can keep him in your life, while also respecting his boundaries about not spending time one-on-one. But on the other hand, this conflicts with your own boundaries and feelings, since it forces you to participate in group activities and follow group rules, even when you may not feel comfortable doing so.
It was somewhat talked about. In other words, If i want to join them, I have to be in the groupchat to talk with them while we play video games. If not, they said don't join if I want to be on chat. That was the only option I was given. I highly feel that how I feel has been dismissed. Not only do I feel like an idiot, they feel like I made an entire giant ordeal. It feels all so wrong. I went into a manic episode and cried all night. Why cant I do things correctly?
@gentleOak5612 Sorry I was not able to respond earlier; I have been a little busy dealing with my personal life. Based on what you have said, it does not seem like you are doing anything wrong. Like anyone else, you want to belong to a social group and seek understanding and support—something that anyone would expect from their friends. So, it is only natural to feel rejected by them after they invalidated your feelings and misunderstood your words by assuming that you did not want to talk. It is not about you not wanting to talk to them, but rather you needing some space for yourself to heal. However, they do not seem to understand that, and that is not your fault. You have already told them how you feel about your ex; it is up to them whether they take that into account when trying to understand your decisions.
Thank you. I'm still hurt over it so I guess im going to take some space for a few weeks to heal from the misunderstanding. I hope things are well with you, thank you for always listening to me
@gentleOak5612 I am glad to hear you are going to take some time for yourself to heal. It is important to look after yourself. I think I should be doing the same since I have not been able to eat properly due to lack of time, but I guess it is just a matter of adjusting to new jobs and schedule.
Yes, definitely take care of yourself please. Eating properly helps with energy and mindset
@gentleOak5612 Thank you for your understanding and kind words. I just want to mention that I am still here for you if you’d like to talk about something. It’s just that it might take me longer to respond now because I have to work every day. So, my delayed replies don’t mean that I don’t want to continue our conversation; rather, it’s because I’m not always able to log into the app, as I often have commitments I need to attend to before deadlines.
Understandable!!! I appreciate it. For now I'm just taking time to scceot things and work on grounding myself.
@gentleOak5612 That is great news. I am glad to hear that you are taking your time!