Getting Over My Wife's Affair

Hello, I am having a hard time trying to move on from my wife's affair.

We have been married 8 years and have 3 kids. We were both in our early 20's when we got married. We had our firstborn 3 months after getting married. We've been through ups and downs. We've worked through differences, but never really figured out the best way to communicate effectively especially around difficult or uncomfortable discussions.

We would do alright for a period, until a repeating cycle of argument, silent treatment, and then moving on with unresolved tension and problems. Which I believe led to this affair.

In July of this year, while on a family vacation trip. I was browsing through my wife's phone when I stumbled upon a message thread with the notifications turned off. Upon further inspection I discovered my wife had been talking inappropriately with one of her coworkers. The solid gut-wrenching kind of inappropriate. Flirting, ***, planning on meet ups, and dirty pet names. Real world shattering stuff. Somehow, I was able to keep myself contained and I finished the weekend trip with my family before confronting my wife about what I had discovered.

When I confronted her about it, she admitted everything to me. With some heavy encouragement, she reluctantly gave me her phone so that I could go through and see everything that had been discussed, sent and shared. She apologized, and appeared remorseful (I still don't know if it's true remorse, or remorse that I discovered what she had done.) She told me that she and this co-worker (who is 20yrs older than her) both agreed that it was purely physical and that neither of them intended to leave their families. When I asked her if she was ever going to tell me. She replied no, she never intended to tell me or for me to find out, and she was going to keep it a secret to her grave.

She said it began at work while we would have our arguments. She would administer the silent treatment, but never take accountability for her role in our relationship or any of our problems, she always pointed blame on me, and held me responsible for repairing our relationship even if it was damaged by her. This cycle drove me to exhaustion, and I came to a point where I just gave up. And I accepted that if she did not want to talk to me. Then I would just wait until she did.

She told me she felt unsatisfied, unwanted, and starved for attention. Her coworker started off friendly in passing at work. He then began bringing her lunch, and they began talking frequently outside of work, flirting, eventually discussing the topic of cheating, deciding a place to meet after work and the affair flourished from there. She described their relationship as just "friends" and that she did not feel romantically about him in any way. She told me that he filled a void that made her feel "wanted" and he gave her the attention she craved. Their relationship lasted roughly a year before they both ended up calling it off because they both started different jobs, and their schedules no longer aligned. Their last message was in April, I did not discover it until July.

During the year the affair was on-going. She was able to behave and act normally. We even had less arguments or fights. I thought we were making progress. I myself did not feel satisfied with our marriage, I was not getting the support, love, respect, or affection that I craved. But I thought that it would come with time, so despite my dissatisfaction I continued to work on myself and become a better version of who I thought she needed me to be.

She had been in communication with him during family trips, vacations & holidays. Even making efforts to see him on certain holidays and "take care of him". The recollection of past events and time frames utterly damaged me. The amount of times I was intentionally disregarded and betrayed has left me with a weight I cannot seem to release.

After coming to terms with her affair and infidelity. I made the choice to forgive her. With the understanding that I have now been damaged and it would take time for me to heal. I did not tell anyone about what I am going through. As much as I was hurting I still felt the need to protect my wife. Or rather my children, my family. So I chose not to tell my family, or closest friends. She expressed that she did not want to lose me, or break our family. I told her that I am willing to try and start over but that I would need help, and we would have to do things differently from now on.

To my knowledge she has not been in contact with him since my discovery. She also claims that he was the only one, and she would never do it again.

She says she is willing to start over to make things work.

It has been 5 months since I've discovered how broken our relationship and marriage truly is. I still have questions about the details of the affair and unmet closure. We still have not addressed the problems prior to the affair that led our relationship in this direction in the first place. I am open and I need to communicate and talk through both of our feelings to figure out what went wrong and why, and if we can repair and move forward and what that looks like.

So far she has been reluctant to discuss the affair in any way. She does not open up, and I still feel emotionally isolated. She does not want to talk about my emotions, or provide insight on hers. She is completely shut down, and non-communicative on the topic of our relationship. I really do love her still, despite the pain and betrayal and I want to help her heal through this damage too. However, I am trying to heal myself and I don't feel I am getting the support I need from her.

How can I let go of the pain I still feel?

Did she ever truly love me? Is that something you could do for so long, if you loved someone?

What else do I not know?

Should I continue to give her space, to process and formulate how to communicate?

Do I abandon my own efforts and see if she makes the effort to do what she can to repair the damage?

I want things to get better. I want to know that I did everything in my power to protect my family and my children. However, if our relationship continues in the direction it has been. I cannot continue. I am already suffocating as it is, and I cannot allow myself to be broken down under the weight of someone else's choices and actions...

Any advice, insight, or support is appreciated. Sorry for the long post. Thanks.