Give him another chance and left broken again
I was in a relationship with a guy and we broke up because I felt like he wasn’t listening to my feelings 23 weeks pregnant with his child and this break up happened during the pregnancy as well. I went no contact and then focused on myself. Then I reached out to him and then we started dating again. Everything was fine. I just told him that he needed to prove that I could trust him again and He said he would give it his all. I recently found out about a small lie. He told it was just a little lie about going to the bank when he didn’t and he said he didn’t want me to see him as lazy so that’s why he did it and that made me break trust and I was really hurt so he decided to come see me to try to repair it. During the visit I had asked him who he talks to you on *** because I was curious and he said my friend and then I said what friend and then it took me three times and then he said this girl He used to talk to you while we were together. I had told him to block this person will not block them, but I told him it made me uncomfortable that he told her all of our relationship problems and he ended up blocking her to not do that anymore. So I found out he had been talking to her during the break up and kept contact All this time and I asked him if he talked to any girls during the break up and he said no. I asked him did he talk to any girls on ***? He said no. When I found out, he was talking to her today. I was like why would you lie if I asked you if you talked to any girls and he said he didn’t see her as a girl because he just talked to her for advice because she’s a psychiatrist I guess. He said he didn’t tell me because he knew I would be upset. Then I get mad and I go into the bathroom to get some space because I’m processing everything and he calls her on the phone trying to get me to talk to her and for her to tell me that she doesn’t see him that way. He kept asking her would you date me and then tried to give the phone to me to talk to her to prove that it was nothing going on. Then I told him to leave my house and then I tried telling him how it upset me and he was like oh well I told you the truth now so that’s all that matters. But I broke up with him because lying is a very big thing for me and he kept something From me. Now I’m just very hurt and back at square one with my pain.
@adventurousOcean7067
It sounds like both of you want to be together, but perhaps he has a very long-standing habit of lying in order to avoid confrontation. A lot of people do that, starting in early childhood, so it's reflexive, in a way like lies come out of their mouth before they can stop them.
I know this sounds like a bit of a crass analogy, but I think it's useful. When you have a puppy that doesn't come when called, but eventually does come, should the owner spank the dog, or praise it? In my experience, typically the puppy gets spanked. In the puppy's mind, the message is "absolutely do not come when called."
When it comes to people telling the truth or lying, if telling the truth typically sparks an emotional outburst, the message is "don't tell me the truth because it will upset me." Or, "don't tell me the truth or I'll make you suffer."
In my childhood, the definition of truth and lie, through repeated punishment and beatings, was interpreted as the "truth" was what I needed to say in order to avoid abuse. And of course a "lie" led to the opposite result. Therefore, in my mind, and honest, reality-based statement was categorized as a lie because reporting it led to punishment.
It took years before I decided to be consistently honest, as long as doing so didn't cause harm. In other words, I'm not going to be honest and tell someone "you look silly and fat," just for the sake of honesty. Still, sometimes I am accused of being honest to a fault.
The bottom line is, it's quite possible that your boyfriend has been conditioned to lie reflexively, and it may take some effort for him to overcome the habit. It also seems like he gets around to telling the truth, once he discovers that the lie isn't helping.
Although it may be tempting, "spanking him" with words when he comes to you with the truth, won't be helpful. It really does take practice to remain approachable when someone brings you disappointing news. I think it helps to consider the intentions behind the lie, or even the disappointing truth.
I also think that breaking up with him might be the only thing that can get his attention focused on becoming more honest.