Going through a rough time
Hello All,
I’m a 32 (M) and I have been dating my current fiance 25 (F) for about 4.5 years now, engaged for a little over a year.
3 weeks ago, she broke down crying saying she wasn’t happy in our relationship. She says that there isn’t any excitement anymore and that I stopped doing the little things and have been disengaged in our relationship.
We’ve had this talk before and I would start off strong after our talk but I always seemed to cut it short.
Personally, I have been going through a rough time at my job and personal life. I do not like my job and the state I am in my life. My career was put on hold because I met this amazing woman while she was going to college and I did not want to move and be further away.
I proposed to her after 3 years of dating and she said yes. It was one of the happiest days of our life. She graduated college this past Spring and we moved in together because she got a new job in a different city. Ever since she graduated, her needs have changed and she wants to conquer the world and climb the highest mountains. I am more of a passive person and do not thrill seek like she does. I am the more responsible one making financial plans and making sure everything is set for our future together. She said she does not want kids right now and I want them in the near future.
I feel like we grown apart from each other these past few months and it’s heartbreaking. I love her to death but we just are 2 different people and only now realizing it. We talked last night and it’s more and more likely that our engagement is coming to an end.
I am sorry if my text feels like it’s all over the place and my story may seem incomplete but I am just a mess right now. I just feel lost, defeated, and beaten down.
@sensibleSpring4924
Hello. It is sad to hear that your relationship might be going to an end soon...
How do you think, what would you need the most from us at the moment? Just sharing your feelings, or need to reflect on a particular aspect of the situation?
From the opening paragraph of your message I see you must be a well-organized type of a person, trying to lead peaceful and controlled live, and I believe being in a relationship with someone maybe not yet ready to commit, very spontaneous or a thrill seeker could be challenging for you. It looks you do not share all the values each of you believes in.
How did you imagine your future life together a year ago? How would you imagine it know?
Some psychologists say you meet your friends or partners when your personal growth curves cross each other. Later on they can go side-by-side or soar into completely different directions. Would you agree with that view?
@sensibleSpring4924 I am sorry, I am just trying to help. I know you can feel a lot of pain now and see yourself as "defeated". As a matter of fact, I've had some very similar experience.
But also I believe sometimes we could try to look at our lives as a whole - from the beginning till the end. Sometimes today's failures become the foundations for tomorrow's happiness... It's kind of zen-like philosophy. Of course, if you believe your current relationship is lost...
A year ago, I imagined us moving in together, me finding a new job (I drive an hour to work and 2 hours back due to traffic), us working together to save up for a house, get married, maybe start a family in the next 2-3 years. Now, I feel like she hit me with this curve ball and my whole idea of our future is just gone.
Yes, I have made my mistakes. I fully admit to them and acknowledge my flaws. I have been trying to correct my mistakes and giving what she’s been asking for but she doesn’t believe it as genuine and that I’m only doing them because she told me about it and/or because I know our relationship is on the very edge.
It’s very hard for me to show affection to someone else and I am a horrible romantic but it doesn’t change how much I care about them. I have been improving on this significantly but it’s too late.
@sensibleSpring4924
not to say anything odd but when i read your story the first thing that striked me was " you have seen the same stats as i have seen , you know of the possible options than i know of" . since its not something that would change just cause you improve , have you considered having couples therapy? just in case .
