Guidance
I don’t really know where to start so I’ll just type. I have been with my amazing wife for 12 years married almost 7. She has now left me with the kids.
Firstly not her fault. She had done nothing wrong. I am a recovering alcoholic with no job who essentially drank himself into hospital. I survived the severe infection I got and the moment I got out of hospital I asked for a drink. To be clear as well there was no mental or physical abuse from me even on mysteries days with depression and drink.
she already had so much to cope with and snapped. I was clearly more addicted than I thought I was and she told me she is done. I have taken the husband she knew and adored and destroyed him. Quote.
Over the next few months a lot of talking was done mostly by me. She has now a new house with the kids and thankfully she has allowed me to stay weekends as I can’t afford much to see the kids and get some family time when we can.
now, my questions are is that I know I have a LOT of making up to do. I still love her. Immensely. Whilst I am making a concerted effort to be there for my kids and her as I didnt do before, why is it I feel like there’s still hope? I don’t expect a relationship over night and you can’t make someone love you. It’s just my gut tells me to keep going, keep being there for support and be a great father and it will win out in the end no matter how long it takes.
she truly is a loving wonderful person and I don’t want to hurt her again or have this emotional distance between us. On occasion I do send her nice messages saying I’m thinking of her or have a great weekend and there’s no answer. Whilst that’s ok considering the level of hurt I’ve caused surely the “receiver” would be “listen, stop sending me messages”. If she’s strong enough to take everything and go then a conversation must be easier?
I just don’t know.. and I want to stress I don’t want to cause any undue hassle for her or more pain. No one can predict the future granted, but some guidance here would be greatly appreciated. I mean tonight after weeks she went to give me a hug. I tripped over the door a little so probably made it a little awkward but it was the best.
@lostatSea9599,
so you love her immensely. Things happened and she drew a boundary, she had enough.
She still seems to care, letting you stay when visiting your kids. Not many people would do that. And of course, she's doing it for the kids too, yet it shows she's a caring and loving person.
You seem to cling on to hope. Don't. Just cut the drinking, get a decent life, be a great dad.
Her not replying to messages, don't read anything into that. Don't overdo it. Don't get emotional. Same for the hug, it just means she cares. I'm sure she wished things would have been different but you crossed the line once too often. It's like she knows what she had and won't take any changes risking the same old drama, damage and pain.
I can sort of relate, although my case was a bit different. I crossed the line once to often for my former wife. Her traumatic past didn't help either. I've always kept hope, sending nice messages , at times she would respond, quite often not. She offered friendship but that was impossible as it felt conditional, like on her terms when it fitted her. Because she finds it hard to see me, as in, emotions on her side kicking in.
Anyway, hope is OK but do not cling to it, do not focus on it. Just be reliable, consistent, kind, gentle, be a great dad. Keep your distance, show respect. Believe me, she knows you love her, and that's enough. No drinking, be yourself.
Thank you. I have cut the drink for a while now and I will stay that way.
To be a great a person, a great father and support to her is my life’s mission right now. I think about her and them every day and as sad as I am I’m determined to be a better man for it. I’m not hung up on the hug as it were, more enjoying it as that’s the first sign of affection I’ve seen for a while even though I made it awkward by tripping on the door.
maybe you’re right, maybe she’s mad at me for what we had and I ruined it. My feeling is and I hope I’m right is to work hard on myself and be a great dad. All along hoping that the love of my life will trust me enough to let me into her heart again. If she doesn’t then at least I tried. We go from warm messages and contact almost daily one week to nothing the next. But with that is acceptance that I have a lot of making up to do. I will.
as you say she does care. But I feel she is guarded and to don’t blame her. Time effort and consistency may just pay off as she’s is worth it
@lostatSea9599
Alcohol is a bigger problem then just the drinking.... it could be who you were when drinking.... many are the life of the party and promised great things that simply never developed. The job situation and her having to carry the load creates resentment and stress. As recovery could be derailed in a flash always feeling we are not a spouse but a warden or a parent to watch creates resentment nothing kills an emotional connection faster then resentment IMO.
My spouse is a recovering alcoholic and it is more then just drinking. I stayed ..... I wish i had left like your wife .......as this problem has many later on "surprises" like health issues, memory issues and the lovely knowledge we would be in a much better financial situation if the cost of drinking and trouble it caused did not cost us dearly.
It is not just you living with it she does too ...... She had no say when you chose or could again to get a drink. Do not mistake her being civil and supportive in letting you stay to see children as more then that.
Have you had a completely frank and deep conversation with her.... not false promises and" it will be so great this time "... she has heard this before. A real talk like you just met this woman with kids and you want to know her and build something .... because talking of old times or such reeks of obligation not rebuilding.
How long were you drinking because in my case my spouse..... i miss the Fun he was when drinking because he is boring and uninteresting without it. Perhaps if i saw the social drinking he did when we met would spiral out of control i would have not stayed or had kids with this man.
Build your new life. Perhaps you need to address the feelings you had that kept you drinking. Get a job and work like you have to start over because you do have to. .......Stay friendly and in touch letting her know how you feel without hovering. Acknowledge where you are now NOT what you once were. You have a lot of work on yourself and know where you go from here. If she sees this and appreciates your effort perhaps there is hope.
Make sure through real conversations it is not false hope..... because if you do all the work and it does not get your family back could cause you to spiral and drink again.