Guilt from feelings from previous abusive marriage while in serious relationship
I left and divorced my ex 4 years ago and for very good reasons. I was abused physically and sexually in our relationship from the moment i was coerced into it while in high-school, but despite the horrible things he did to me I still have complicated feelings about it all.
I have a partner that I've been dating for a few years now and things are pretty serious, but I feel guilty because I am still trying to handle some of the feelings I have toward my ex.
I miss him? But don't at the same time. I still feel hurt from all the horrible sexual things he did to me and still hold those feelings of wishing he had stayed and held or comforted me instead of leaving me alone after abusing me like he so often did. I also miss dancing with him I've never been able to dance with anyone the same way I did with him.
I feel so much guilt over these feelings I have and they feel so wrong especially since he did so many violent and unspeakable things to me and I just don't know what to do with these feelings.
@faeven1theythem
I think the key question is: do you miss your ex, or you miss the state you were in?
I believe it can be about psychical chemistry and hormones more than about feelings. When you are in danger, abused, attacked, wounded, your body receives adrenaline and cortisol shots straight to your blood, making you feel much better despite the situation being terrible. And if such circumstances persist for months or years, it can turn into a kind of chemical addiction.
That is the reason why some soldiers who experience the horror of war become so fond of it and... actually get addicted to it.
The situation may be even worse if you started to learn this pattern - associating feeling of happiness with the "high" of being hurt or in grave danger - somewhere in your childhood.
Some people may also call it the "Stockholm syndrome" (with the hostages starting to sympathise with the hijackers, as their only way to come back alive) or co-dependency.
I think the better hormone for a relationship is oxytocin - the one responsible not only for child birth and pregnancy, but also love, trust and connection.
And dancing? Well, the devil knows he isn't too attractive himself, so he rarely comes bare handed. But the gifts he brings have usually very short sell-by date and no silver lining.
Oops. I am sorry, the word at the beginning at the second paragraph should be "physical" (not "psychical" as my overzealous autocorrection did).
I wonder about one thing: how many times when you were with your ex partner your health or life were in danger?
@faeven1theythem
So you are divorced and in a new serious relationship yet these Memories and what if's pop up?
Think it through you know how the relationship really was ... and will not be what you wanted it to be. Are you getting cold feet about new relationship. and that is why your thoughts are reliving memories and what if's. Have you discussed all of this with your current relationship partner. Maybe working on your communication with this relationship. maybe that will help you work through these quicker as a team.
