Having a hard time today

Unfortunately right now I'm really upset about this ex. Essentially, I moved back to his location after a year apart, and he didn't want to meet, which I was really looking forward to. He ditched me. I have some ideas about why because he has a lot of problems himself. But I'm heartbroken, and we're no contact. I still care about him and I wish he'd let me. I also wish he hadn't broken his promises to me, and I'm angry.

Today and yesterday, I've been thinking about possible future scenarios where we could awkwardly run into each other (same city). I really want to talk. The finality of it kills me. I've thought about trying to call him in a few months or so-- maybe he'll pick up, maybe not. But I know I shouldn't be focusing on these thoughts. I have to have my own life, but I don't even like my own life, so I'm not motivated at all.

I have bad depression outside of the relationship thing, so I'm not doing well overall.