Healing

Recently I ended a relationship with someone who wasn't good for my mental health i will admit it is hard to navigate relationships, especially when it comes to mental health and not knowing how to handle or help with your partner's mental health.

I recently tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe this was a situation where I was putting in too much effort. Maybe it was just the fact that I wasn't trying, but realistically looking back and revising everything I noticed that this relationship was actually toxic. But with underlying coating to seem like love enough to slip me by as this person didn't respect me or my well being

I remember our first summer. I was struggling by mental health. I was in a really bad spot financially emotionally, and I was going through a really bad depression month i was exhausted from consistently working and putting in hours and hours at my job for context. I worked at a hotel, my role was front desk, and then I was eventually brought on to be a housekeeper and do both front desk and housekeeping. Most of my days would consist of me having to do both and I'd spend long periods of time overworking myself and being tired barely anytime for a break, I had 1 day off only and sometimes my day off would be half days off for very little pay

I was incredibly burnt out and stressed financially, and in a really bad spot, I was coming home, tired with barely any energy.And anytime to even take care of myself, I would get so incredibly overwhelmed from work.The second I would come home.I would shower, have an apple and go straight to bed.Which wasn't the healthiest for me

My\n Partner noticed this and tried to help me out as best as he could. He would help me by trying to get me to God and do stuff and feed me which would help. But it didn't mean that I didn't have as much stuff to do as soon as I got home, I had personal chores and stuff I had to get through, I had deadlines to me and I had other matters that I didn't have time for that need to be taken care of.

1 day, my partner got really annoyed with me and started bad mouthing me. And my mental health to my sister, he started texting her saying that I was incredibly lazy and that I wasn't trying hard enough to be there for him, and that I just overall stopped caring about him, which wasn't true.

I didn't know about the text until my sister started questioning me and asking if I was okay, I told her the truth and said that I'm tired and ibrd tout, I didn't get the response that I exactly wanted when she told me we're all tired or burnt out.That's just life not the answer that I needed to hear, but also not gonna argue.I just said, yeah, you're right.It's just a phase , I'll get over it

The next week my partner had invited me over to his house. We were going to have a movie night and he was gonna make dinner. The second that I got there he got back onto his game and ignored me for the rest of the night when he finally noticed that I was still there, he said, oh, you can go now and didn't tell me anything else. And I said, really, the only thing he said was, yeah, I don't really want to spend time with you anymore. You don't do anything anyways. That really hurt me and affected me more than anything else. He still can continued to talk bad about my mental health.

Whenever I would go under these rants about how I would feel and everything that was going on with me, whenever he would ask, he would visibly get annoyed with me and say that he didn't want to hear about all of that, and that it wasn't a problem. And then he'd take me out to go and do stuff like we'd go get ice cream or we'd go spend a Day Out together and have a date somewhere. I'd forget about my problems, the second that I was out and having fun.

When I would try and do mental health, I'll check-in with him, he would always tell me that he never had time for any of that stuff and he didn't believe it. And then said that it didn't matter and that I didn't need to know what he was going through and I tried to offer him support in town that I'd be there and he still never tried to open up to me, which was okay with me. People come out about things on their own terms and pacing and I'm not going to rush anyone to talk about anything, they're not ready for as I am the same way.

Fast forward We were almost 2 years into dating and still there was no talks about any of my mental health problems or any issues whenever the conversation would come up, he would roll his eyes and groan, or he would ignore me to continue playing video games.

Fast forward to 3 years that I recently ended. I realized that there was gonna be no change in my relationship, and I had to do the thing that was best for me. And that was move on, I ended things silently, he begged me not to, and then we tried to fix our relationship. We were doing the same pattern. Since we first started dating, we were trying to fix things. It would be better for a week. And then it would go back to the way that it was, I sat him down fully, and I told him that it wasn't the right decision for us to stay together that we both needed different things, and that we both can still be friends and work things out eventually 1 day. But as of right now, we're not right for each other. I need to focus on my well-being before I can love anyone else and you deserve someone that is on your level of life

I've started battering my mental health since then.And I've noticed a lot of patterns about my relationship.I also got into a situation where I ended up meeting someone who understood me well enoughI've started bettering my mental health since then. And I've noticed a lot of patterns about my relationship. I also got into a situation where I ended up meeting someone who understood me well enough on everything that I was going through we were able to connect and talk about everything that I wasn't able to before he made it easier for me to talk to him. It wasn't an issue or problem to ever realistically be uneasy talking about things that were really bothering me. I'm able to go on these rants freely and talk about things that I disliked about my day, I can ask people about how they felt about theirs without any discouragement or any sort of negative opinions or responses back, I'm able to enjoy things and have legitimate conversations and fully know. My partner in their world

I remember when I would go under these rants about things that I cared about and my partner would listen to me, but he never would respond to me in the proper way. And he never had anything to say instead, he would always tell me that I cared way too much, and that I wasn't living correctly and that my problems were so small compared to everyone else's in the world. And then he would also tell me that I was often being dramatic, and that sometimes you just need to grow up and get over things that just wasn't how things worked unfortunately, and I remember telling him consistently. No matter how much I try and get over in my life and everything that I've endured and been through, there are still things that hit me and there are still things that I am not comfortable to share. There are things that my parents don't even know things my own close personal friends don't know 1 day I will have the courage to share them, but I cannot move on from it when they affect my day to day life.

He rolled his eyes at me and told me blatantly that I just needed to get over things and grow up.And that's when it had hit me that the relationship wasn't based on anything else, but intimacy, that's the only thing that he had cared about.It was the only thing that he had ever only cared about.It was never about my well-being or anything else, but intimacy.It's also why he would spend all his time doing the things that he would do, he would take care of me.There were things that were nice.We would go out and have fun dates.We'd gone really fun trips together , and we'd have a lot of fun on the adventures that we did have , but a majority of the time it just ended up in intimacy

He wasn't the type of person that would ever care about my own personal feelings or emotions. And that's just not how I function and work. I'm the type of person who loves to know everything about everyone in their life. I love to know what my partner is going through, and if there's any way that I can help relieve some type of stress or help them out any way needed.

I hope that he eventually does find someone that is on his level and can be what he needs and wants. And I hope that one day I can eventually be back in a position where I can trust myself to date again and I'll be better than what I was before