quickwittedPear4489 Member Profile

I dont think he even cared

Relationship Stress / by quickwittedPear4489

August 23rd

...See more I posted awhile ago about my breakup with my ex boyfriend of three years 4 in October but I neveg talked about the weight of it When i first met him I immediately liked him he was someone who could talk to me for hours and we could have fun together played soccer at the park,played video games, joke around it was perfect then I started to get my depression I dont like summer, summer hols alot fo weight ny best friend passed away in the summer my brother died 5 days after my birthday in summer, i lost my other best friend in summer then I lost my aunt in the summer I cried alot summer had weight on top of that i told him being with me isn't easy im still trying to be better for not onjy myslef but ny fanimy as well as I try to remember the good no matter how bad things can get or go tomorrow is always a new day He listened then immediately didn't, I wss being overworked long hours little pay alot of responsibilities bills, school, food,rent on my own i couldbt afford school so I dropped out that made it worse, he saw and still chose to talk badly about me to my family and friends, my friends told me my famiky judged me we fixed things but then it happned again I was doing great I found a bettwr job new routine making friends he hated it he would be upset and ghost me for hanging out with friends were two year together by this point and he hated how much my friends and I would do together he hated it he hated me going out and mlaing friends I went to dinner one night and he was mad at me so mad he talked badly about me to my family he was very upset they reminded him my friend wasnt into me like that he isn't straight and he told me he was upset that we should be doing those things together yet he never wanted to [http://me.to] He never wanted to go out like that which was fine I liked anhtbing we did but as I kept going out and also going out with him he got more selfish he wouldn't try and plan full date anymore he stopped trying with me and honestly looking back he was never into me until we had got intimate he had only liked me for intimacy That hurt me alot he never complimented me he never made me feel special or heard he wouldn't talk to me about feeling or emotions he wouldn't try were 3 years in I will not lie I ended up cheating on him the guy I went out with told me mot only was i important but I coudl do whatever I wanted, I told him I wanted to go back to school become an artist and then move somewhere huge and meet othe artists he told me I should and he would help [http://would.help] me My ex told me i was only wasting more money and its to late for that i waste gonna be anything anyways he told me it was too late for me. That hurt me alot Looking back we were different I grew and he wouldnt grow with me I overworked and stressed out just for him to still push me over and try and make me feel even worse Fast forward im in college again im an art student again im painting again i love it. The guy i was seeing is now in school with me hes a full time painter hes so good at it he still encourages me to do my best we stopped seeing each other he understood I needed to slef discover he supports me fully My ex constantly talks badly about me and says ill never change ill never be enough that im.not worth it but the truth of that all is I wish him the best one day *** find someone who is like him like the slow life but not me I want to learn I Want to grow I want to bloom more, I believe i am meant for more then just being someone's wife at 23 (i am 24 now) im meant for more then just having kids I will admit what I did is wrong cheating is horrible but I'm learning and growning for the better cause now I feel less stressed out I feel seen and warmer

My addiction recovery

Addiction Support / by quickwittedPear4489

August 24th

Trying to feel comfy

Self-Esteem / by quickwittedPear4489

August 23rd

...See more I recently started college and I was afraid of being judged for context I have zero friends at this point but then I met a small group and they and they make me ceel comfy and seen One of the boys in the group was staring at me while we were talking and I got kinda self conscious cause he was really watching me he was listening to me talk would turn fully toward me to listen abd speak ges also multiple times brushed my hair out of the way even has walked me to class a few times [http://ma.tk] Well Wednesday during math he waited fit me after class and we walked back together he asked why I was always covering my smile and I stopped i didnt say anything but oh I dont know but he said I have a very contagious smile and laugh I shouldn't be shy but he said hes nkticed so far I get really shy .. I didnt try and defend it because its true when people compliment me I get shy I shut down I freeze im not used to being called attractive or pretty or cute I was also kinda in the background like a song where its someone who's just hidden but should be a little aloud He talked about how in painting painting we were cutting collages for our painting inspo he saw me and our friend dancing to music and looking at art pieces putting things together he said I should be a little more comfy this is college no one here cares I found that hard to believe because im not one to be seen or show up but him and his grouo have been helping me step out a little bit and it scares me because the eya they see me i will never see myslef I wanted to cry when our freind Luna said I was look pretty in lavender. Purple shades have always been my favorite color my ex boyfriend never liked how it looked on me i stopped wearing it alot my nails, my skirts, my leggings my purple Taylor swift speak now cardigan my purple converse i stopped wearing my favorite things because it made me self conscious That was the first time since my breakup I wore anything purple it felt like someone poured cold water on me. My ex never complimented me ever or called me pretty or anything he mainly mroe commented on my body things only guys say when their only into for it i never once felt pretty I always felt ugly no matter what but thst made me wanna cry no one ever calls me nice things but this new group does its hard realizing ive never been called beautiful or pretty or anything like that its always been things I didnt like hearing I feel gross I feel uncomfortable thinking someone can see me as beautiful when I never feel it

My first week of college and my social anxiety fear

Friendship Support / by quickwittedPear4489

August 23rd

...See more So i just finished my first week of college when I atsrted I was anxious and scared i didnt think id make friends or really speak to anyone then it happened i met two people a guy and his best friend they tales to me for hours before our classes started i was at school early fit ny finical aid and they were getting their ID's we talked for hours like hours me and them bonded over tv shows clothing music we talked about life fast firesrd I met 2 others on my bus ride home I wanted to cry because part of me eas do afraid of being alone and them not talking to me after thst day but we hung out again in class that next day we say next to each other and she talked about Sanrio and monster high dolls we bonded The next day was a Thursday we all sat down and talked before painting and agreed that we should help each other study, i agreed as i struggle a bit in math and they both dont like essays and I love to write so I figured why not we should all study together and they all agreed, im excited tk think I have made friends and im only starting out with making friends I cant wait to talk to more people and meet more people college has been scary nut better then i thought i went in so nervous i was making myslef break out but theb I wnet and had alot of fun its nothing like i thought im read for this chapter My college has also made it easy to feel less scary they ahve so many resources

What about me

Relationship Stress / by quickwittedPear4489

August 19th

...See more I recently had my 1st official day of college yesterday. Interestingly enough, I didn't think I would make friends as fast as I did, I never really was the type of person to be incredibly social or have many friends. I've always had a very close-knit group of friends that I made later on as I got older but never as fast as I had made these friends. It kind of had me feeling a little overwhelming. I didn't know what to do or really what to say. But once I sat down and started talking to him, I automatically was able to fully discuss things that we had in interest in common, we talked about life. We talked about philosophy. We talked about our favorite topics in college. Regarding our dreams, we talked about things that we love things that we talked about books that we enjoyed. It was great, and then it hit me that I never really was this type of person to find my comfort zone and really fit in anywhere. I never really saw myself fitting in with family, and I know I never did. I was always kind of the odd one out. I always kind of felt isolated like. I wasn't good enough to really be around the people that I was wrong even though they were family fast forward to starting school. I was very quiet and isolated. I always felt like as if i Wasn't enough i wish tried to find Myself in a category of the people that I could be around in school.I align myself with people that I saw myself in the same level , with academic wise people that were also very shy and quiet and people who were more social and lively It really confused me because I didn't understand these different types of dynamics.I remember coming home and telling my mom that I didn't really know if I made friends and she kind of looked at me and said, what do you mean?You don't know if you made friends and I told her , I don't think i'm like everybody else and i'm okay with that , butIt really confused me because I didn't understand these different types of dynamics. I remember coming home and telling my mom that I didn't really know if I made friends and she kind of looked at me and said, what do you mean? You don't know if you made friends and I told her, I don't think I'm like everybody else and I'm okay with that, but I don't get it. When I started my teen years, I fell through a really bad depression. State life had completely flipped upside my head at such an early age, I thought it was over, and I accepted that I started to befriend everyone people that I met in class, anyone I sat next to I started talking with them and really hanging out with them, I really got to know them their personal lives, their stories here, their fears. And I never want to judge them even when things got bad with me. And some of those people, I still never judged anyone, because those were people that I turned to in my times of unsure and also learned a lot about Finding my place, I always assume that I would just be a floater friend as I can fit in with anyone, but I also don't really belong either.But i'm down for anything simple hangout shopping trips just going out to eat venting homework name it id love to The next year I began to isolate myself after high school, worst decision ever. But it also helped me take a step back and really learn myself. I've talked about my isolation period during this. But I never talked about what I personally went through when I came down to it, I noticed that a lot of those people that I assumed were really good. Friends, really never checked in on me and never really cared that I was isolated, I kind of just became this thing in my town where people just forgot that I existed. And honestly , it had me feeling kind of relaxed , because it showed me that all of the judgment that I thought was there , all of that time that I had where I was wondering if I really belonged anywhereThe next year I began to isolate myself after high school, worst decision ever. But it also helped me take a step back and really learn myself. I've talked about my isolation period during this. But I never talked about what I personally went through when I came down to it, I noticed that a lot of those people that I assumed were really good. Friends, really never checked in on me and never really cared that I was isolated, I kind of just became this thing in my town where people just forgot that I existed. And honestly, it had me feeling kind of relaxed, because it showed me that all of the judgment that I thought was there, all of that time that I had where I was wondering if I really belonged anywhere. Wasn't actually there By that, I mean all of the anxiety that I thought by silently being judged being scared and not fit in the truth is, you fit in anywhere.It takes a while to find people that you can share your genuine friends , but it takes a different type of soul to connect with you to not judge you and still look at you like you hung the starsBy that, I mean all of the anxiety that I thought by silently being judged being scared and not fit in the truth is, you fit in anywhere.It takes a while to find people that you can share your genuine friends, but it takes a different type of soul to connect with you to not judge you and still look at you like you hung the stars.\By that, I mean all of the anxiety that I thought by silently being judged being scared to not fit in the truth is, you fit in anywhere, it takes a while to find people that you can share your genuine friends, but it takes a different type of soul to connect with you to not judge you and still look. At you like you hung, the stars socializing is terrifying, Socializing is terrifying But that small little interaction gave me hope for the rest of college and also probably growing.My friend group after life completely fell apart on me again.I wasn't disappointed but I was also really shy.I didn't notice how quickly I was laughing and becoming friends with someone.He immediately noticed and stopped me and said you're blushing I stopped and I said, sorry, I just didn't realize how much I missed connecting with people I didn't realize how easy it was to talk to people again. I'm still kind of in this isolation period but I'm also not in this isolation period as high school ended, and I'm not the same teenager as I was then I am currently 24, but this helped me realize that things get better, they always do and they always have been After Discussing with that small group of friends that I talked with.I have better hope for what's next I don't find myself asking the what if or what about meI don't find myself asking the what if or what about me? I'm at the point in my life where now's the time to learn from your mistakes continue growing make friends an enjoy life while I have.It will still healing from what I didn't break

I caught myself

Self-Harm Recovery / by quickwittedPear4489

August 16th

...See more Ive bene clean from hurting myslef for about 3 years now i just hit three eyars not too long ago fastforward ive had a really bad strain of anxiety and insecurity I didnt know how I was spiraling out until I caught myslef almost breaking my streak One thing that stopped me was the promise I made to myslef and eveyone around me, I still replay the look on my friends face when she saw my scars she was so worried and we cried for hours we talked about everything we could do and be doing whenever it gets scary We did a thing were we gave each other our perfumes and when we got anxious we could spray them around the room it helped me relax and think of the people I care about One things that also helped me was coloring we did really pretty flower designs on my hand and arms and leg we did little flowers or turtles or really beautiful little sketches Another thing I did was a Playlist of music that always kept me clam and easy to distract myself Alot of the methods I tired within this moment didnt work for me and it was scary so I reached for my journal it kept me busy and it scared me in a odd sense because I didnt think I could do it It took me awhile to overcome ttgat It was scary not kno9wmg if I could do it [http://awhile.to]

Where do I belong

Depression Support / by quickwittedPear4489

August 11th

...See more Ive been asking myself where do i belong or stand within my own personal life and friends and work space as I start college now i am very anxious and nervous I wont get what I need to im very worried I won't fit in, I never really felt like i belonged anywhere not woth my family and I often see i am a floater friend/ fill in ive never been or felt like i could be anything special or important I am trying to learn im not unimportant but I never really left connected to anyone even in relationships ive never felt like i much regarding freinds or my family connections to partners ive never felt enough I always try and keep a positive attitude and have even been dramatic enough to change who I am to fit in more it made me really unhappy so i stopped and did the worst possible thing Isolated myself to find lut more about me I wnt to threapy work and school home those were my only types of interactions wild to think about but it helped me see things from a new perspective on evehthing in my life and the world around me I realized not everyone is sure and finds their spot fast it takes time to find and build the right things meant for you as i still am trying to navigate this new world and thinsg around me i feel very comfortable to say im a working progress and I will eventually have the things I want with time and proper building

Finding a job right for me

Work & Career / by quickwittedPear4489

August 13th

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