Help and advice
Hello, I could really do with some advice. My wife of 20 years told me Out of the blue in October that She wants a divorce. She filed on 14 January.
I am absolutely devastated. She’s not willing to talk to me or even try to repair our marriage. I don’t know what to do. I could do with some advice. I have a two year-old and a four year-old and I’m gonna lose everything.
@yellowBeechwood3281
I am sorry you are going thru this a divorce and dismantling of a life you had is tough. Years in and kids do not ever make a marriage unbreakable.
What effort and change has happened from October until January? Did you not think she would file? Most likely she shared some reason or why. Or she expected you to see how things were NOT working for her.
My guess is she does not want to talk about it because some are afraid, they will not go thru with it. With small children and all you need to work out I think having some time to even see counseling may help in the long run.
It takes a lot to make this change. moving forward you will need to reconcile how your marriage was or was not working for both of you.
She hasn’t told me anything. She’s been suffering from burnout and overwhelmed and then in October out of the blue. She told me if she wanted a divorce up for that point she never mentioned it
@yellowBeechwood3281
Burnout and overwhelmed what changes did you discuss or make? What items did you ask to help her with?
I feel many who bring up divorce or ending things, it is far past a fire drill it is the whole thing is almost all in flames. she may feel how many signs or things did you Not hear before the divorce word was spoken.
Maybe she said nothing because partners expect a spouse to see and know their partners are unhappy or mad or whatever. They feel if you cannot see the issue, you will not be part of a solution. resentment grows quickly.
When I spoke to her, she said clearly the divorce was never in her mind. She never mentioned it, and she would never miss her that she loved me, and there was nothing wrong. Two months later she was diagnosed with burnout and overwhelmed as suddenly said she wanted to divorce became super aggressive and angry and should never be like that in her entire life.
@yellowBeechwood3281
I hear your pain and confusion over this. It seems like only she has the real answers.
reading this as an outside observer that sounds like she is going thru something. many when questioned say the things they think others want to hear. Hidden anger does not mean it is not there.
If it is a sudden onset of anger or aggression or actions out of her character, have either of you considered a chemical imbalance or health issue?
Brother, i can't tell you how much i get what your going through. It is absolute soul crushing.
I kinda went through the same thing, it was my choice to divorce because her infidelity was obvious to everyone. I gave her 2 "i forgive you, let's fix this". Over a3 year period, the 3 time she got a "i forgive you, but you are not my wife anymore, you are everyone else's. You got to go."
Took a year for the divorce to finish and what's funny is she married her last fling.
When i think back, what you describe as burnout, boredom, lack of feeling, i saw all that to. Then i put it together. She didn't overtly let her sins be seen until she had another person to jump to. So the last 5 years of my marriage made sense to me then.
My 2 cents... When a woman is determined, set in her decisions, it means she's been planning this for months. Before you heard from her about it. Women need security. She stayed with you till she found it somewhere else. Terribly deceptive and manipulative on hey part. But this is the same story of a majority of when women initiate a divorce. Almost like a script.
How i delt with it, that actually worked.. i choose God over Jack Daniels. Best decision i ever made. And through that storm he right me the most important thing in your healing journey is believe it or not, FORGIVENESS. It took me years to get to that point. But i can tell you as you progress through your pain and reach that point, even though you don't want to, but you listen to Gods plan, once you give it all over to him and do what he wants... Forgiving a wrong feels like a giant weight is being lifted of your shoulders. Healing your pain will take time and courage from you, but can most definitely reach through to the end of the storm and see the rainbow if you allow God to lead you through it. Surround yourself with positive people that will uplift you and support you. Don't be afraid of the future. Trust me when i say, there will be a day sooner than you think, that you will feel incredible and see the whole world in front of you and where you go, is all up to your desire.
I'll pray for you and your family. If there's anything i can do to help, please reach out.
S
