Here for my midnight emotional breakdown woohoo

Boyfriend loves to say things after midnight that are cold and and then blame me for not liking it. Trying to talk about it gets me more of those comments.

I wonder if he wishes I would get sick of him and willingly live on the streets. If only I could just cease to exist. That would be easier for everyone.

And when he (occasionally) comes back only mere moments later to do something like pat my head (a very small attempt to be gentle?), I always feel this conflict within me. Like I don't know if I want to cry, or if I want to beg for more attention, or if I want to swipe his hand away and reject him so he knows I'm still upset.

I wonder if these posts make me look selfish or crazy or anything like that. Hate to pursue him for conversation because I think I look desperate or disrespectful. Especially when these happen right before we are supposed to sleep. Actually, we should have gone to bed already. Still, I feel like it's not that hard to just be at least a standard level of nice even when tired.