He’s ignoring me after breakup 😢
We have been together since April 2022 we had such an amazing connection we were addicted to each other to the point we were hardly ever apart which I know is not healthy, in December he decided to snoop down my phone and he see that there was a time I was speaking to other guys maybe up until august even though he told me we wasn’t anything serious (before we were serious) which was later in 2022, he walked out I felt so crap.. I begged him to forgive me and told him he could clearly see I made the decision to cut them off a long time ago and haven’t even thought about doing anything like that since! Anyway he came around and we was okay and then I decided to do it back to him and found all sorts of stuff I wasn’t happy with, his ex had stayed over his, bisexual stuff just shocked the life out of me that he could treat me this way knowing full well he had done the same. We decided in Jan 2023 that we would work on our trust and have a relationship. I have two children and am 9 years older than him F34 M25, he moved in my kids adores him and we was a happy family but this whole time we have both really struggled to trust and things have been a little toxic and controlling. He walks out often and ignores me tells me he is trauma bonded to me and suffering from complex relations ptsd and living as a victim of narcissistic abuse! I was shocked to hear this I have admitted being a bit stalkerish on *** and I would ask him who his new followers are etc and he would do the same and yea I checked his emails to see if he had done anything bad I was so consumed with it at one point I kicked him out before he was about to go on a ski holiday and I was awful to him I was so broken and I just didn’t have the strength to feel like this anymore. We spoke a bit while he was away and he said he had missed me and we need to work on things and he only loves me and would never hurt me he wasn’t interested in any of the bisexual stuff and that I needed to trust him. I had some councelling while he was away and he flew back home and came straight to mine and we were good for a while I worked on myself and tried to trust and find the strength to be me again and think if he leaves it’s his loss instead of the anxiousness that omg life without him I just wouldn’t cope if you get what I mean..this was in march, we have had so many little fights since then and just cannot seem to deal with our emotions anymore he bites at any small little thing and is controlling and jealous but I can be like that also it’s just turned into such a toxic relationship. He want me to change and hates how I react to things and he is so sensitive that at tiny little thing he don’t like he blows up and breaks up with me, well this latest fight we’ve now blocked each other on WhatsApp and unfriended on social media he is completely ignoring my texts and hasn’t tried to reach out in a week. I know he loves me and is so attached to me and vice versa I love him so much and I really wish we could maybe have some councelling together or something and fix this rubbish because it really is just silly things now and when we don’t argue we cannot get enough of each other I’m in such a mess right now and I really don’t know what to do. I did call him yesterday and he ignored it but called me back an hour later we spoke for about 20 mins but it was really just me apologising for how things ended and how I reacted and to make sure he was eating and sleeping and doing okay and if he has seeked any professional help! (When I met him it was very clear he was already struggling with his mental health) he said had spoken to someone but they aren’t really helping or giving him clarity and that he just needs to process this and the call was ended. I haven’t heard from him since. I sent him a quote image today that said I’ll always be here for you even when we don’t talk, I’m still here and I love you and he has just ignored it. I feel better that I have reached out and done what good I can my end but i just really don’t know what to do. I am going to try my hardest to not contact him again now but it’s so hard. He has so much stuff at my place and his car is parked outside. He has been using his work van. He still has my house keys and said he can’t face me right now to collect and just needs time to process. This is the longest he has not spoken to me for 😢 sorry for rambling on there is literally so much to this but I need to stop typing at some point I guess …
@courageousPeach4846
It is ok to ramble, you have every right to feel what you
feel. Also know this is a judgement free zone.
While my experience is different than yours, you are your own expert. It sounds
like there was much passion and I am sure it is hard. You have proven you are
strong.
In my toxic relationship I knew what I needed to do for me. I didn’t like it. I
knew what was right and best.
It is hard, it isn’t easy. Doing right for your children isn’t easy either. But as you have noticed, it feels good doing right.
Do you feel it is best for you and your children to move on?
Hi and thank you for your response, I am still very up and down emotionally lots of tears and then strength I suppose I am just going through the feels of a break up. This is my first relationship since leaving my children’s dad whom I was with 11 years after he cheated and was abusive.
I had a 2 year break to find myself and I really did.
now I feel I am absolutely strong enough to overcome my situation now I just know that I love him
I’ve been doing lots of writing about what has happened between us in a diary and also bullet pointing things that come to mind that have upset me as I’m feeling so much guilt right now as he has done nothing but blame me for everything
I find it helps by writing it down to let it out and process what’s happened
mine of the last things he told me was he’s leaving because his unconditional love is not good enough for me , but proceeds to tell me he has begged and begged and begged for me to change and my behaviour is still the same.
I am always the one feeling guilty and forever saying sorry and he actually never apologises to me ever .. just comes back around a few days later to tell me about myself and try and talk me into admitting my wrongs.
well I still haven’t heard a thing from him and the way I feel right now he won’t be. He needs my forgiveness
I have been asking the universe to take what’s not for me and keep what is so I have some faith all will be okay.
@courageousPeach4846
Ohhh the woes of the heart. If only there were a book, a manual with instructions when it comes to the emotions and the heart. If there were I would be buying one yesterday.
And you are Strong. No one needs or deserves abuse. I am
glad you noticed how strong you are.
There are many loves. None are the same, the love for you children. The love
for Ice Cream. The love for your Parents or Siblings. The love to serve one and
another. Love is a powerful and wonderful thing.
Writing everything down is a Good thing. It is a great tool for grounding and then reflecting on. Plus it is a way to bring things in clarity.
“… begged for me to change…”
While I am not giving advice, I will never forget my Father saying to me
“Look at the person you are with, then ask yourself ‘Can I accept this person
as they are now? Forever?’ “. What my
Father was saying to me is, that I cannot change anyone. Only they can change.
And you should never base you relationship(s) on the person to change. Accept
them as they are or move on.
That all being said, You are the Expert of you. Sounds to me like you know yourself fairly well. Not thinking of him, do you feel\think you need to change yourself?
I just went out for a drive with the kids for a sing a long .. I really needed that and feel much better.
they are all I really need ❤️
I have done a lot of reflecting and I know I am not perfect and I have my faults and make mistakes sometimes I don’t always learn from them but I have always been able to hold my hand up and admit that I did wrong. I explained to him the reasons I believed I was being controlling and promised to stop doing certain things which I had but he didn’t really give me time. The latest argument he had moved back to his mums and was going to only see me a few times in the week which I didn’t like but I agreed to try. So we had long phone calls instead usually on how drives home from work and 3 hours in we were on the subject of contraception as I need to change mine and unsaid I didn’t want the coil I’d heard bad things about it and he said oh who from so I said my ex’s brothers girlfriend and he literally said to me I wish you’d think before you speak I said what?? You asked me who had told me this and that and he cut me off. Next day told me I make him want to kill himself. I told him he needs to stay away from me and get some help cos I would never forgive myself if he did anything to hurt himself because of me and we blocked each other after he said I was manipulating him and a narcissist 😭 that was it that was the break up
I think he is just really struggling in himself rn and needs some space and time to find himself again and defo some professional help but I can’t see him doing anything he will just sit in a dark room and play computer games with his friends until he is ready to come back out again it’s such a shame really as when he’s not like this he is the sweetest most loving guy
I hope maybe some space from me will make him see that he has also been part of all these problems not just me and hopefully he can get help and we can find each other again but I’m loosing hope
I wouldn’t change him if he came through my door now and said I’m going to speak to someone and I love you I would give him the biggest hug
and no I do not think I need to change I’ve had some very traumatic things in my life, my mum left me when I was 6 and I had to help raise my 3 younger siblings , my brother was killed in Afghanistan
me and my children lost our home due to my abusive ex I’ve been used abused and hurt but we all have our own stories and pains we all do and we cannot let it take us down we have to be strong and keep going. I do think sometimes I can be a bit harsh when I should be more kind but I was raised to get on with it and not complain i have a big heart and I love hard
@courageousPeach4846
We all have our demons. All of us.
If I understand correctly, He is someone you love and “he is
the sweetest most loving guy’ “when he’s not like this”
You have seen and dealt with your share of trauma. You and your family has had
its struggles. And you all have overcome much.
It seems like juggling relationships can be challenging. Thank
you so much for sharing your experiences with us all.
What do you do to recharge and ground yourself?
I can relate to you so much. It is incredibly hard to not text back. You'll also find yourself trying to make sense of things..you'll go through all the grief emotions, denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and there will be moments when you have some acceptance that maybe it's not supposed to work out and that you both may need a break from each other. I know what it's like to keep chasing how things used to be. I'm sorry you are in it now and it's hard. No matter what you do, be kind to yourself. You are in a tough situation and it's not over. The car is still there, the items at the house.. pretty certain you both will see and talk to each other again.
This is what I do to help myself. I say the serenity prayer (even tho I'm not religious). And I try to realize I am not responsible for their emotions and actions. I cannot change them. The only thing I can do is express myself and be responsible for my own emotions and actions. And you can say how you feel and that's it. And how you feel might change and that's ok friend. But know your true heart and you can wish them well and love from afar, don't subject yourself to their hurtful words and actions.
Live your life, and if it's really meant to be it will work itself out in time. And if it's not, it's ok too. Sounds like you gave it a good try. You'll be ok. I'm around if you ever need someone to listen to.
You'll be ok. ❤️
Hey steph4 not sure if that’s your name but my name is Steph! I’ve been using my time writing and listening and trying to work on myself and I have realised a lot of things about myself. I decided today I wasn’t going to sit and wonder anymore and I reached out to him again asking if we could meet to talk.
I didn’t allow myself to have any expectations to hear back and just thought I’ll give him a day and if I hear nothing then I will just take control of the situation and take his things to his mums and focus on forgiving him, moving forward with no resentment and living my best life with my children.
he did actually reply to me asking me where and when. So he is going to pop over after work today.
I think from this meet I just want to see where his head and heart is at and if it is the end of the road for us then I absolutely respect his decision, and I’ll walk away with no regrets. If there is a chance for us then there is going to be some serious work required from both of us. Who knows what will happen but I’ll let you know
thank you so much to take the time to respond it’s a lovely feeling knowing there are people out there who care
I hope everything is well with you xxx
