How can I get her to truly trust me again
Hello all, I hope you are all having a good day!
Last night, while me and my fiancé were finishing supper, a massage came up on my phone, on ***, saying that someone messaged me. This person who messaged, I only started to get to know this week.
Some backstory, I’m a man who has always had issues with making or having friends. The only person I have in my life is my fiance. I never had friends for longer than a few months except in school, but all these friends are gone. I decided because I feel so lonely for a PLATONIC friend, to go into a group of people online looking for new friends. I started chatting to one, and talked on ***.
back to the story.. my fiancé finds out of this person. One issue is that she doesn’t know this person. Because in the past we fought about me talking to people she doesn’t know, that I shouldn’t do it again, which I promised.. but I did it again wrongfully. This person who came up was a female.. not a male. I have also met males from there to, but female was the main drawing point, plus her being unaware I was looking for new platonic friends.
after that, she got into a huge fight with me. Swearing, mean words thrown at me, some physicality towards me even. Trying to kick me out because she thought I’m cheating and not being trustworthy. I tried to tell her the entire truth as to why I was seeking out new platonic friends.. just to vent and talk about daily life, separately than what I would to her because sometimes I sadly felt that if I told her about my issues, my issues never ever got solved.
Now I really want her to get trust in me back.. and I feel it will never happen and because I did wrongfully, that I’ll never be hers again. What should I do.. I’m desperate and love her for all my life and my heart and never wanted to ever break her heart. I never want to break our relationship, never want to flirt with others or talk to others sexually or romantically. I just want her and I love her to infinity…
A little more context can always be given if required. Thanks all
And I’ve been told also last night that she prefers her ex over me as well.. which hurt deeply inside
But I’ve been told that from previous exes.. which makes it not the first time in my life
@blwilliams that's abusive. 1. You don't date new people if you are not over your ex. 2. You don't compare your present partner to your ex. Ever. It Is manipulative and abusive to tell someone that your ex was better. With that out of the way, i would say it is not you who is the problem here. At least not the way you think. The thing is. You are just attracting a particular type of toxic people because their behaviours and patterns are familiar to you and you most likely have no idea how to spot this dynamic and nope right out of it. Do you know the attachment theory? You should look into it and find your style. It will tell you a lot about what unhealthy dynamic are you prone to and why. I don't have enough information about you to make a guess of which style you are, but if you read about it a bit, it is usually pretty easy to find yourself in one of them. So, if you keep attracting a particular type of people, it is not that something is wrong with you as a person. You just need to do a little inner work to see and recognise bad patterns and why they attract you. Or on the flip side, you can be a very sweet person, but have no boundaries and would bring the stars down for someone you love. What is great, but without boundaries and knowledge on what a healthy relationship looks like, you will attract absolute garbage people who only know how to take, give little to nothing in return and manipulate and guilt trip you when you don't bow to them in every aspect and you have no idea because you made you think it is you who is the problem and you have to try harder when in reality, there is nothing wrong with you, they are the rotten one. Take it from someone who has been in your situation, and walk away from this madness. Take time to learn about healthy relationship and your attachment style. Why you attract a certain type of people (usually rooted in childhood, like being guilt tripped by family when you didn't immediately do what they wanted, so you learnt you have to please people to be loved, etc.). And you will see how your next relationship will be much much much better
@blwilliams that's abusive. 1. You don't date new people if you are not over your ex. 2. You don't compare your present partner to your ex. Ever. It Is manipulative and abusive to tell someone that your ex was better. With that out of the way, i would say it is not you who is the problem here. At least not the way you think. The thing is. You are just attracting a particular type of toxic people because their behaviours and patterns are familiar to you and you most likely have no idea how to spot this dynamic and nope right out of it. Do you know the attachment theory? You should look into it and find your style. It will tell you a lot about what unhealthy dynamic are you prone to and why. I don't have enough information about you to make a guess of which style you are, but if you read about it a bit, it is usually pretty easy to find yourself in one of them. So, if you keep attracting a particular type of people, it is not that something is wrong with you as a person. You just need to do a little inner work to see and recognise bad patterns and why they attract you. Or on the flip side, you can be a very sweet person, but have no boundaries and would bring the stars down for someone you love. What is great, but without boundaries and knowledge on what a healthy relationship looks like, you will attract absolute garbage people who only know how to take, give little to nothing in return and manipulate and guilt trip you when you don't bow to them in every aspect and you have no idea because you made you think it is you who is the problem and you have to try harder when in reality, there is nothing wrong with you, they are the rotten one. Take it from someone who has been in your situation, and walk away from this madness. Take time to learn about healthy relationship and your attachment style. Why you attract a certain type of people (usually rooted in childhood, like being guilt tripped by family when you didn't immediately do what they wanted, so you learnt you have to please people to be loved, etc.). And you will see how your next relationship will be much much much better
@blwilliams,
I don't see what's wrong with talking to others and trying to find friends.
Or is it that she feels not trusted by you?
Did you ever try to mutually talk about feelings, emotions, in mutual understanding with her? In a language you both understand?
I think she doesn’t trust me because she found out about it randomly, and never knew about this person, which makes things a little more rough around the edges.
Then you need to correct your self if you will be always rpeating this pattren then it wil be hard for any girl to trust you. Beacuse women overthink alot.
And that I agree with.. which I know I should do. Just have to find a way out of the pattern. Even tho I provide ample proof of anyone I talk to as platonic. Whenever asked I show.
@blwilliams,
I meet new people too and sometimes I mention them and sometimes I don't. Which is never an issue and shouldn't be an issue. You're doing nothing wrong.
I’m glad this may be the case for you, and all the best for you and your own loved one! But for mine it isn’t the case unfortunately…
@blwilliams,
it should be.
Don't sell out because she might have trust issues. That is something she has to deal with, not you.
@blwilliams I'm sorry to tell you... What she is doing to you is abuse. Let me just give you a rundown of objective red flags of abuse she is exhibiting
@blwilliams
Buna ,parerea mea este ca piatrele de temelie ale unei relatii sunt increderea in partener/a ,cominicarea ,respectul .Daca acesta incepe sa aiba indoieli inseamna ca se destrama putin cate putin aceasta temelie si o data cu ea si ceea ati construit pana in momentul acela.Nu va cunosc dar consider ca trebuie sa discutati sincer cu ea,daca nu intelege inseamna ca nu mai exista sentimente fata de dumneavoasta.
Lucrez in domeniul medical,receptie laborator analize medicale,deseori intalnesc cupluri de persoane in varsta si ii intreb care este secretul unei relatii de lunga durata.Raspunsul a fost simplu:respectul ,increderea si de multe ori trebuie sa stii cand sa faca compromisuri.
Asa ca sfatul meu este sa va ganditi serios:sunteti fericit in aceasta relatie?Raspunsul este la dumneavoastra.
PS:m-am inscris pe acest site pentru ca ,desi nu sunt psiholog de profesie ,imi place sa scult si sa ajut oamenii.
Multa santate va doresc!