How do I forgive my husband after he kicked me out?
We got into a fight as we have both been under a lot of stress and dealing with depression and it ended with him kicking me out. I am staying at a hotel currently. We have talked and both want to try to work things out, but how do I forgive him for kicking me out so we can move forward? I just feel so hurt and betrayed and like I’ve lost all sense of safety and security I felt at home. Thank you for any advice.
@brightWalker40
That is a tough one....
in relationships especially if things are not going well... people can end up with the one living elsewhere hotel / couch surfing etc.... I think that is what makes a pending breakup/ divorce/ moving on more real......
try to put yourself in his shoes .... i know that may sound crazy but i find that when i am able to do that i can relate better..... why did you leave and not him...?
It is harder to live in the knowledge that things could change and your safety and security needs to be in yourself not a house.
@toughTiger6481
I left because we are currently staying at his parents house so it’s not my home or my family. I get putting myself in his shoes and I understand he was upset that I didn’t want to talk to him for a few days and he blew up. I know the silent treatment wasn’t the right way to handle my hurt feelings, but I had no where to go to get my head clear, so I just didn’t want to talk. I guess my safety and security should be put more in myself. But it was his idea to move in with them for a while and I trusted his idea and plan, and now I feel like that trust is gone. It’s also been hard being the only one sticking to the plan he came up with. We were both supposed to get jobs to qualify for a loan and he hasn’t been working since October and I feel taken for granted that he thinks I need to make money and work more hours so he doesn’t have to get a job for us to get a loan. It just seems unfair that I’m doing all the work and he thought kicking me out was ok. Especially when he knew I had no one else in the area to turn to or anywhere to go.
@brightWalker40
It is totally understandable i have honestly Never met a couple who attempted this type plan ( moving in with parents/ family) to work out as planned.
I agree that it is totally on him for NOT working and expecting you to pull the whole load is not only a deal breaker but not realistic.
I hope you can work things out but the longer most partners let their spouse carry the load the higher the chance of failure IMO
@brightWalker40
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time in your relationship. It's understandable to feel hurt and betrayed after being asked to leave your home. Forgiveness can be a difficult and long process, but it can be helpful to start by having an honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and how their actions affected you. It's important to listen to each other and understand each other's perspectives. In addition, setting boundaries and communicating your needs can help you feel safe and secure in the relationship moving forward. Ultimately, forgiveness is a personal decision and can take time, so it's important to be patient with yourself and your partner as you work through this together.
@Yourgoodfriendd
We have spoken a couple times in person and he’s apologized, and said it was wrong. I still just have this lingering hurt that an apology hasn’t helped with. I let him know how I feel hurt and betrayed and any sense of comfort is gone. My hotel reservation is up after this weekend and I’m going back to his parents house, but told him I’m not ready to jump in with two feet and still don’t want to share a bed yet. It just sucks cuz now I get to spend every day feeling utterly humiliated being around his family after all this. And it’s not fair in my opinion that I have to live everyday having no space of my own, not feeling comfortable or secure that I won’t be thrown out again if we get into another argument. His plan is for us to have coffee together in the mornings and go for a walk and talk. I said I’d try it, but I don’t feel like this will really help the issues. I’ve been trying to get him to go to therapy for 4 years to work on his ptsd and anger and depression issues and he just hasn’t done it and I don’t think he ever will. Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough to try or what? It’s not the first time we’ve had an issue like this, it’s just the first time it went so far as him kicking me out. I want to be able to forgive him and try to move forward but I guess I just don’t know how to let go of the hurt and I guess the resentment I feel about it. But I will start with trying to be patient with myself and him. I just wish there was an answer out there to magically make me feel better and not still feel so alone and hurt and like I’m with someone who doesn’t really love me. I know he does. At least he says so, I guess after being kicked out it’s just hard for me to believe he actually loves me and that giving it another shot is the right call.
@brightWalker40
Don't know how you forgive someone for that. Seems like a pretty big ask.
@helpfulTurtle6349
Thats how I kinda feel. But I don’t want the last six years of my life to have been a waste. I still want kids and am getting closer to 40 and feel like there isn’t time to start all over. I do love him and hope we can make it work, I just don’t know how to move forward. I feel like if I can’t find a way to forgive it will turn into a bitter resentment and I will make things even worse.
@brightWalker40,
that is a tough situation to be in. Especially when it seems he is not willing to work on himself.
Might be a good idea to seperate, to find your own place so you get the space you so desperately need.
Seperate also as in no contact, until you feel ready.
You deserve to be loved, to be heard, to be seen for who you really are.
@brightWalker40
I'm sorry to hear what you've had to go through. Speechless. From what you've shared so far, there doesn't seem to be any genuine remorse or determination from his end to make it right - if at all it can ever be put right.
6 years is a long enough time to know someone well. He has had the time to show you who he really is. I agree with the wise Duke that it might be a good idea to take some time and space away from the whole thing and consider what you'd like to do.