How do you know when to leave?
I’ve been with my husband 7 years. He’s relapsed about once a year since we’ve been together. I found out about the most recent relapse a few weeks ago.
I communicated to him I wanted to leave him and at the time he said he understood. Now he is fighting tooth and nail to get me to stay. He’s putting 10 times the effort into our relationship than he has in years. Even when he was sober. I explain to him the trust is not there for me yet he still gets upset that I’m not all in with trying to make this work and figure things out.
After getting clean this time, he is taking all the right steps (all I’ve seen him take at various times) and he’s apparently had this epiphany and he thinks he’ll never relapse again.
The trust is ruined for me and I’m not sure if it’s been ruined for good.
@exuberantTree3674
It is so hard to decide time is now.... trust is important.... but beyond trust each time we are asked for one more chance etc.... it chips away at something deeper. the connection emotionally is frayed....
the foundation we are asked to rebuild on cannot support another crash ... one more time of being let down or lied to to cover a relapse. We have tried to be supportive and gave many do-overs and we are tired of it.... we feel untrue to ourselves that we have not pulled the plug on a marriage circling the drain..... when you feel that way you need to decide when you have reached your tolerance.
do not let others say it is a disease they can't help it or how much of a saint you are because one day you will regret you had not left years ago.
The emotional connection being frayed is a great way of explaining it. It’s a very tiring experience and I’m not sure I want to ride the roller coaster anymore.
Thanks for sharing your way of thinking. I appreciate it!
dam that’s really hard. i’ve had my own battle with drugs and alcohol. i got 5 years since my last drink and to say im a different person is an understatement.
do you think if maybe he had more time you would feel more comfortable trusting?
losing trust is a big big thing. i was with my lady for 10 years. caught her cheating. swore it’ll never happen again. it did. and now my trust is ruined a little for future girls.
i really hope you can get yours back
married for 7 years is not a small thing
im pullin for ya!
Congrats on the 5 years since your last drink. That in itself is no small feat. Takes a lot of discipline.
I’m not sure if time is the issue anymore. In my mind, I feel like I’ve given him and time and chances. We’ve agreed on open and honest communication on everything. Then it all goes out the window and it’s like we’re starting from scratch.
Getting cheated on is terrible so I can understand how it has ruined your trust in future relationships. I think things like that can also ruin your trust in yourself. You give someone another chance because you think you know them and want them to be capable of change. Then you get down on yourself when they let you down. It’s rough.
Thanks for your supply and your support
@exuberantTree3674
I think that is the "charm" of living with an alcoholic.
I am afraid there is nothing on earth that could guarantee he will NEVER relapse - neither to you, not to him.
Recently I've met an old friend of mine. Last time I saw him he had been sober for years. He married and started his own business. Divorced. And then was getting drunk for a few years. Being sober another several years when telling me that.
But I also knew people who have been sober (with no relapses) for close to 20, over 30 years, or... for the rest of their lives. So, you never know.
I believe you may:
- no longer want to live with an addicted person, who ruins his life and your marriage,
- no longer live on a rollercoaster, hoping he will not relapse, and being disappointed when he does,
- last but not least, be out of trust and tired because of his lies covering up his relapses.
Do you think that could be better if you had a very serious agreement about him telling you about his relapses, no matter how ashamed or scared of your reactions he can be - but never lying to you? - because this is the way he has been destroying the trust in your relationship.
By the way, I think an alcoholic between the last stage of drinking and first stage of his "clean" life is often lying to himself - how can he be NOT lying to anyone else then?
I believe you are more than right to leave him, if that is your decision.
You have the right to live a happier life, without worrying if your partner is drunk, or how soon can it happen again.
You have the right to live a life which is not paved with disappointment and bitterness.
But could you be able to make some promise then, given to yourself?
From my observations roughly a half of ex wives of addicted husbands:
- still take part in their ex partners' lives, even years after the divorce, worrying about them or looking for solutions for their drinking-related, health or general problems,
- stay in touch (talk, spend time) with their drinking ex partners much more than it could be required by e.g. being parents of the same children,
- meeting and/or marrying another alcoholic.
I felt really heartbroken when I heard that several weeks after a breakup with her husband and father of her children, who was drinking, gaslighting her and cheating in her, one of my colleagues ended up... in the arms of another guy drinking hard and abusive.
Could you promise to yourself that you would never do such a thing to you?
