How to Cope With a Dismissive-Avoidant Partner

1. Don’t chase

When an avoidantly attached partner pulls away, pursuing them is likely to make them withdraw even more. As hard as it may be, give them space and let them know they will be welcomed on their return.

2. Avoid criticizing

Avoidantly attached people are sensitive to criticism. Better to ask for what you want rather than complain about what you don’t want.

3. Be aware of your assumptions and perspective

To avoid a negative narrative, be curious about your partner. Ask what they value and most treasure in life. Find out what bothers them and what they might like you to do differently. Listen without judgment. You may find that exercises or structured questions for partners to learn about each other can foster intimacy in ways avoidant partners can more easily embrace.

4. Don’t make demands or ultimatums

While it can be hard when an avoidant partner seems stubbornly unreachable or dismissive, demanding change or threatening to leave will likely only harden their avoidant stance.

5. Approach emotions skillfully

Try to center yourself before expressing strong emotions about your relationship. Strong feelings are overwhelming to avoidantly attached people. They will likely not be able to engage for long and may withdraw, leaving you even more hurt or frustrated.

6. Don’t rush in

If you’ve been feeling held at arm’s length in the relationship and suddenly your avoidant partner moves closer, you may feel tempted to voice all your pent-up desires and concerns before the door closes again. Try not to do so. Instead, savor the closeness without pushing for more. This can allow your avoidant partner to tolerate more windows of closeness.

7. Give your partner a road map

Your worldview and your partner’s may be worlds apart. Explaining your intentions when bringing up a sensitive topic can set an avoidant partner at ease.

8. Work to become more securely attached

One opportunity of being with an avoidantly attached partner is to increase your self-reliance and ability to contain your feelings. Anxiety can bring out the worst in us, triggering primal fears and counterproductive coping behaviors. No one person or relationship can meet all your needs. If you have an avoidant partner, seek multiple sources of comfort and support outside the relationship.

9. Reinforce positively

If they move closer or show vulnerability, no matter how small, celebrate that. Express appreciation and let them know how it makes you feel. Acknowledge that you know it can be hard. Validate and encourage any attempt at intimacy or emotional expression.

10. Don’t personalize

When an avoidant partner withdraws or seems disengaged, remind yourself that this is how they cope with difficult feelings. Though it may feel deliberately aimed at you, it is an automatic emotional survival mechanism.

Remember: You have choices

If you do many of the steps listed above, you will likely grow as a person and grow within the relationship. You should expect and ask for a similar commitment to growth from your partner. If, over time, you see little effort on your partner's part despite your own work and despite voicing your needs, you may decide that moving on would be best for you.

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Reflection:

What are your thoughts on these tips?

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