How to give someone another chance when you’ve realized that *you* are the problem and weren’t ready for a relationship?

Warning: super long read! Abandonment issues, anxious attachment, toxic relationships stopping me from ever entering a new relationship. Dating with mental health issues. 

CW: physical and sexual abuse and assault 

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I am in my 30s and sadly most of my relationships have ended through cheating on their end and toxicity from both sides (I was always very jealous, paranoid, insecure etc). I stayed single for most of my 20s and in big year gaps because of this. I have gone to therapy multiple times to address my clear abandonment issues and anxious attachment style. I have discovered I am extremely bad at coping with break ups and betrayal to the point that it affects on a physical level (like night sweats, panic attacks, triggers which cause crying spells) - which also links back to my abandonment issues. I have been single for 4 years now (with this situationship in between) and before that was involved in a physically and emotionally abusive and toxic relationship full of cheating and betrayal for 2 years with B. 

Anyway, 6 years ago, I dated B the same time I met N and ultimately chose B to be exclusive with and cut off the other guys I was seeing (these were all in the talking stage). It really hurt N as he was not very experienced in relationships at the time. The relationship lasted 2 years. 

During the pandemic, B and I finally broke up for good (re: the physical abuse had gotten noticeable on my body, I kept finding evidence of him cheating, I learned a traumatizing truth that he was sexually violent towards others while cheating) and I started to see N a few months after. We were all in lockdown at the time so we just talked online, it wasn’t romantic at all, and it was never my intention to start anything with him. We remained connected on social media and his stories began to pop up on my feed. We met up when the restrictions started to ease up (we had a park picnic) and it was fun. This then turned into a situationship with N as we “played house” as they say during the pandemic, but we never made things official. He had wanted to but I never did, using the trauma from the relationship with B as the reason. I knew I needed to get help to heal from that relationship but it was so impossible to get any mental health professionals to see me and I was not comfortable with zoom sessions at the time. I remained frustrated and to be honest, tried to get over B by going under N. it was a good distraction at first but I know I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was still super jealous, insecure and would accuse N of seeing others, being paranoid about him “cheating” and this would cause fights between us. He asked me multiple times to be exclusive and for the boyfriend-girlfriend label. I still refused because I wasn’t ready for a relationship even though I was basically in one. This lasted for about a year. Something happened in N’s family life, he totally broke down, freaked out and cut everything and everyone out of his life - including me. I had a mental breakdown when this happened, I was inconsolable and the physical symptoms I described before came back again. I wasn’t understanding why this was happening - why he was cutting me out when people usually lean on others during a time of distress. I was a complete mess, more than he was…I had to go on a stress leave at work for a couple months and went to see a psychiatrist who put me on medication. I started seeing a therapist. I realized I completely took him for granted and even though I said I wasn’t serious and not looking for anything serious, I took it seriously in the end with how hurt it made me feel.

Fast forward 2 years later (2023) and I used the time to focus on my career and work, and did not date a single soul. I didn’t go on the apps or entertain any man who looked my way. I am also a workaholic and have learned I use that as a distraction. N messaged me out of the blue and we texted casually, nothing romantic and it was not regular. A few months later when we were on friendlier terms, he asked me to go for drinks or dinner which I shot down immediately because I still had hurt there. The texting was not regular. He got laid off sometime early in the summer and connected with me about it because he had recommended my business for a company event. I finally met up with him at the end of August where he basically apologized to me about everything that happened, for leaving me and not knowing how to react when *** hit the fan. He wanted a second chance. Him and I live opposite lives: he’s had his life handed to him on a silver platter, grew up well off, he’s never really endured “hardship” persay, while my life has been everything but that. He knew general details but I told him everything about my prior relationship, my mental health issues, the trauma of me not properly processing or healing and how “damaged” I truly was. I told him that him breaking it off with me during the pandemic really brought out my abandonment issues and broke the trust between us; I felt betrayed because I was being left. And I could not trust him not to leave me again (issues with me, not him). 

I had asked him about what had happened in the two years we weren’t in contact and found out he had dated others, which is fine. However later on, I had found out that he had lied to me about the timeline of him starting to date someone (he said he had dated someone 6 months after we broke up, but it was actually 2 months after we had broken up). For some reason this bothers me so much, even though I actually have no right to be upset because we had broken up at that point and he was single, free to do whatever he wanted. I guess this is what I mean about being overly paranoid, untrusting and insecure. Little white lies like that really bother me and now my mind spirals into what else he could be lying about. 

We tried to go on dates again, as there were still feelings there, but again I would not make things official and “get back together” (though technically it would be our first time) because I was honestly still not healed from everything. What made matters worse is that I was finding out new information about B and his actions during our relationship (he was not only cheating but was sexually violent towards others) which greatly distorted my reality. My mind feels like a cluster of a mess right now and i am currently back in therapy to try and again deal and heal from this hurt I constantly feel from the trauma and abuse from B still affecting my life years later. 

N ended up moving back to his home country because he couldn’t find a new job and was blowing through his savings. We left on good terms, it was very sad but he was obviously very stressed and distracted in packing up his life and moving. The last month he was here was not an enjoyable one as he wasn’t able to spend time with me and work on our relationship like he wanted to. I ended up being very disappointed but I understand that I can’t change the past. We discussed our intentions, our plans for the future and whether or not our lives could be in alignment. He expressed wanting to try a long distance relationship which I am not against and I would be willing to move there. He wants another chance and understands how he has hurt me and why I think/feel the way I do. 

I asked for no contact for a month so that I could really process this new information with my therapist and so that he could get settled back in. They suggested that I try dating since I haven’t done it for years, yet have all this self-work progress. I’ve tried going on dates and I don’t seem to have any issues getting them, but every one I’ve met up with has been dishonest with me in one way or another (married, different age, looks different from photos, throws their trauma at me), leaves out important things about their intentions of dating or our values do not align. I’ve tried broadening up my dating pool as well and giving those a chance where I wouldn’t have in the past with no connection being felt. 

I’ve done a lot of self reflection and inner work during the past few years and feel like I’m never going to be fully “ready” for a relationship. My healing process is a constant in my life will never end. I want to continue working on healing yet also feel very lucky to have someone supportive of this healing process. Being someone with mental health issues and working through trauma and abuse is not easy but I just don’t know how to let my guard down again for someone. I do really want to give him a second chance, but I feel like I’m holding myself back and I am the problem.

I am currently having severe anxiety over this relationship, I am feeling disconnected, distressed and extremely sad.

I hope someone can relate to me and give me some suggestions on maybe grounding work, how they healed and how they gave someone another chance.