Husband is obsessed with sex
For the last 2 years I’ve been very depressed and struggling with family issues. Not feeling intimacy. He’s been pushing and coercing me, to the point where after hours of me saying please let me sleep or I’m really not feeling it I’d have to give in or he’d become explosive. Everytime I cry or have a bad day or even good day he just starts saying things that we should be doing and grabbing and gripping me. We depressed for while but he came back saying it’s all ok because he loves me again. I explained what he’s done and why im
so turned off by it all. He said he’s trying to change, and he sort of is, but he still does it but doesn’t get explosive and says “ I can’t help myself you do it to me” “I can’t touch you or be near if I can’t have it”and he doesnt come near me or hug me or anything if he thinks he’s not getting it. I feel that’s bs and you should be able to control yourself especially if you love your wife and can see she’s not happy.
We've been married over 20 years. In 20/20 hindsight feel like this was always a thing but I wasn’t broken so I just gave it when he wanted.
@straightforwardAcres5935
Hello. The title of your message suggests it's your husband who is guilty of everything, but I believe in a relationship it always takes two.
I think one (but, unfortunately, maybe the only) positive thing is you still seem to be attractive to your husband after 20 years together.
But we have two extreme attitudes: his sexual needs, which you described as excessive, and your sexual needs, which, if i understand it correctly, are almost non-existent.
Did you two considered any couple therapy? Maybe there are things which are worth discussing, before your relationship is broken into pieces?
Maybe, as you suggest, there is some problem with your husband? For instance, if he had any problems with pornography. But maybe it is also worth checking the reasons why you are permanently exhausted? For example, that is fully understandable when your aging parents need care. But also I think it takes keeping some healthy balance between being for your family of origin (parents, siblings) and for your own family (you, your husband and kids). Maybe you or your husband also have some physical health issues, e.g. connected with age?
Some couples may accept "white marriages" with no physical closeness and sex (I think that is practically impossible to have one without the other), but again: such a decision takes two people.
I feel not good to hear your allow some intimacy actually against your will. I think this price is too high, either for you, or for your partner, making a relationship - where the needs of two people sadly do not meet - into some form of unwanted, reluctant encounter. I am afraid this is not what a loving relationship should be about 😕
I have a drive, but it was inhibited by a very difficult time and he wasn’t able to support me, only demand sex. I am actually 45 and very active and healthy, it’s an emotional thing for me as opposed to physical or age related.
@placidNectarine2050
How is the communication between the two of you? Did you tell your partner what you need - emotionally - at the moment? How did he react then?
@straightforwardAcres5935
I am sorry, but I am not sure how to understand your words about being very depressed... Did you mean just feeling down, or being diagnosed with depression?
If that is the latter, some drugs used to cure depression are making libido extremely low. And that is not your fault. But this is also not your partner's fault. So, if the emotional connection between you two is still good, you could try to think about the solution, together.
Suppose, you are diagnosed not with a depression, but with a cancer. It's good when your partner has some healthy needs, but life is not always fair and bad things happen. And in such circumstances the emotional connection between you two might be even more crucial.
@straightforwardAcres5935
I understand what you must be going through.
As women we go through so much emotionally. And it may not be easy that time while we're clouded with emotions to feel that way physically, while some men have a hard time understanding all those dynamics coz they're always in the mood. And as if that's the only solution they can think of, it can get pretty annoying. I know how devasted you must be feeling by this. But let's just say that's how some people inherently function. No matter what if he has been behaving this way even after you've made it clear several times..that's the way he functions. And let me say.. you're right to feel this way about it.
That's totally bs he is your husband he is supposed to help you and let you live peacefully not harassing you. I'm deeply sorry that this is happening to you it's absolutely not normal at all. From what I read he is also trying to make you guilty of the situation even though the only one that has to change is him. You mentioned that this has been an on going issue for years and he tells you he will change but don't do anything. It looks like manipulation to me. You've been depressed and struggling and the person that is supposed to be here for you makes you live through ***. No excuses for his behaviour. Would you do that to your husband if the roles were reversed ? Would you feel entitled to sex and guilt trip him if he did not give you what you wanted ? I found this very very problematic and I would advice you to seek professional help with a therapist for yourself first or a couple therapist if he is really ready to take action like he says.
Its getting personnal but I kinda had this problem with my bf, communicated to him, he was deeply sorry about the situation stopped for a while but its starting again and now I stopped trying and I'm in denial lol.
Wish you the best.
I did tell him, he said he’s sorry, but still continues to do it, but doesn’t become so angry or voiltile. He won’t do therapy
@straightforwardAcres5935 I understand how difficult and exhausting this situation must be for you. It’s not your fault at all. What you’re describing—being pressured and coerced despite expressing how you feel—goes way beyond what a healthy relationship should be. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries, who listens when you say no, and who doesn’t try to manipulate or guilt-trip you into intimacy. It’s clear that he’s still struggling with his own issues, but that’s not an excuse for treating you this way. It’s important to acknowledge that you’re allowed to have your own feelings, and he needs to understand and respect them, not make you feel guilty for them. The fact that you’ve been trying to explain and express your feelings shows that you care, and that’s valid. You don’t need to carry the weight of his actions or feel like it’s your fault—this is his responsibility, not yours!