Husband wants me only if I have a baby
Basically wants to divorce me if this 2nd ivf cycle fails because he always wanted a child. we just started trying last year and I’m older and he is worried we won’t be able to now even though I am doing everything to try. Blames me for us not trying years ago even though I’m not the only one in this relationship. I’m so depressed and don’t know what to do.
Thank you for the insights and kind words, Aayla. I thought similar things mainly that infertility can affect anyone at any age and would we still divorce if age a factor and I couldn’t conceive and also that his love is conditional. I always thought you marry the person because you love them not what they can produce for you. I am not perfect and I know he is hurting but I am hurting too. These are my last chances to have a baby and he is possibly going to deprive me of that even while I prepare for this final round. The money I’ve spent, the hormones I’ve injected, the surgeries, all to try to start a family with him because I love him and I want this for us. The backstory is that he wrote me this in a letter I wasn’t supposed to read yet that I found in his bedside drawer. In the letter he mentioned everything I’ve done wrong in our relationship dating back 9 years-all things he continues to bring up year after year as if he hasn’t forgiven me for how I acted or what I said and I continually being punished for those things. We can’t change the past. I never cheated on him or abused him or anything like that. It’s all how I responded to life traumas poorly or didn’t help out when he needed it but I didn’t know he needed it. I’m just tired of this rollercoaster of ups and downs from him. One minute he says I love you and kisses me and the next he is writing me a letter tell me he wants to end things in July instead of giving us the rest of the year to try even though I have more time than that and am willing to keep trying.
aayla,
I agree. My therapist says he needs to fix his own mental health, that he is unhappy with himself and looking for someone to blame. It’s not fair that I have to continue to hear about the same actions from years ago that hurt him. I apologized enough and it’s not right for him to harbor those feelings years after I apologized and we moved on, because that means he never did. I don’t flash back to his actions from years past. He is unhappy with a lot in his life. That happens to a lot of us. This time is very difficult for me as well. I feel he is taking away my chance at a child and being selfish. He has other years and opportunities and my time is fleeting. I am so disheartened that the man I love won’t let me do everything I can to make this work, that he is so quick to throw in the towel and get into a negative headspace. That doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s supposed to be for better or for worse, right? I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and the second we hear bad news he will drop the I’m done letter he wrote. The I told you so letter. Honestly it would take time for a divorce anyway I don’t see why we can’t even try for another year at a chance at getting the family we want. There is so guarantee he will find someone else or that she will be fertile. He was worried he was going to be too old to have a kid if he waited for me but there are plenty of guys with kids at age 36 or 37 and his ability to reproduce is not limited. I’m so hurt he wrote this letter. I’m so hurt he is asking every day if I heard about the results. I’m already anxious enough as is. This is my livelihood too and more so because I’m the one going through everything physically. All he has to do for these cycles is take me to one appointment and *** in a cup. It’s not difficult. I am paying for all of it. I go to appointments every few days and get ultrasounds and blood drawn. I come in late to work sometimes for them even. I have the surgery and answer the phone calls. I understand this is inportant to him and it is for me too. But he seems to only consider his own feelings and dwell on everything negative in his life and spiral down from there and I am physically and mentally exhausted from his up and down moods, being blamed for things I cannot change, and trying to do everything right to make this work that it’s affecting me negatively with no sleep and now chest pains while he games, naps, goes the gym, and sleeps soundly. That is not love and that is no way to live.
