I (32F) found concerning texts on my fiancé’s (33M) phone, and I don’t know how to handle the situation.
I have been with my now fiancé for almost 3 years. Our anniversary is on December 25th. He had a relationship before ours but it was not very serious, and other than that, he didn’t really date/didn’t have much luck with women. I have always said that he’s the best guy I’ve ever dated. I’ve never felt more loved, appreciated, and respected, and I trusted him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone before. Fast forward to yesterday. I was holding his phone for him when a text came in from a woman whose name I didn’t recognize. My fiancé does not have female friends aside from his coworkers and his best friends’ wives and girlfriends so I did something I never have before and read the messages. There were a lot. No good mornings or good nights but lots of back and forth and some flirty texts too. I asked him who she is and he said she works with him (I found her on LinkedIn and can verify this is true). I then asked him to read all of the messages and he said yes but swore to me that nothing has ever happened. The texts weren’t great but also not awful. Mostly she was flirting with him and he wasn’t really reciprocating but there were a few suspicious texts from him—the only one I can think of off the top of my head is him being out and drinking with coworkers and asking her to come out. I told him I was so disappointed in him and asked him how he could disrespect me like that and he swore that there is nothing more going on but acknowledges that the texts are inappropriate and he already texted her in front of me to tell her they should only talk over email moving forward. Since yesterday I have been crying nonstop and don’t really know what to do. He has been begging for my forgiveness, crying as well, and assuring me that nothing has or would have ever happened between them - he says he considered her a friend as she is also engaged and he speaks to her a lot for work. He also acknowledges that some of the things they said crossed the line but he didn’t mean anything by it and swears to never allow himself or anyone else to get to that level of comfort ever again. He says I’m the love of his love and he hates himself for making me so sad by doing something so stupid and thoughtless. I do believe him but I also can’t stop thinking about how much I trusted him and never thought he would disrespect me like this before I read the texts. I told him it will take time for me to trust him again, and we are going to our first couples therapy session on Friday. Am I being stupid for believing him? What would you do in my situation?
@goldenKitten2798 Hi there, Kitten. Thank you for sharing this with the community. :)
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult situation. Trust is a crucial component of any relationship, and it's understandable that you're feeling hurt and disappointed. It's positive that you both are taking steps to address this issue, such as attending couples therapy.
In situations like these, it's essential to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, which it sounds like you are doing. Expressing your feelings, setting boundaries, and attending therapy are all constructive steps. Trust is something that can be rebuilt over time with consistent effort from both parties.
In terms of whether you're being "stupid" for believing him, it's important to recognize that feelings are complex, and each person's response to a situation varies. Trust your instincts and emotions, but also give yourself the time and space to process and heal.
In your situation, continuing with therapy is a positive step, as it provides a neutral space to explore your feelings and work through the issues together. The therapist can guide the conversation and help both of you understand each other better.
Moving forward, it's crucial to establish clear communication about expectations, boundaries, and what rebuilding trust looks like for both of you. Patience, understanding, and a commitment to growth will be key elements in the process.
@goldenKitten2798
I can't say for sure, but he sounds genuine, and either way, you're not stupid. Strongly agreed with the previous post about communication/boundaries, and I think that the counseling will definitely be good for the two of you.
