I am lost at sea

My fiancé and I have been together for four years. When we met, I was really deep into a growth journey of finding myself and understanding feelings., We were very toxic for each other at the start. We did break up for a little while because I found myself on my knees, begging for her to help me like she’s been telling me she would.

I was a fool. At first, I listened to her words more than her actions. So I let her mentally mess me up, and that was my fault. We did break up for a brief time, but then clearly got back together, and I find myself stuck with the same empty promises. However, I don’t agree with stretching myself as thin as I did for us.

At this point in time, I really don’t know what to do, being back with her, I’ve worked around her the best way that I can to show an express that I’m still understanding, caring and loving wire list. Those are things that have heavily lacked on her part. She went from doing nothing at all, and taking over accountability too doing the things I need her to do sometimes, and she likes to throw the fact of when she does stuff, it’s never enough. Even though my goal is for long-term results for us to work out, because I’m so open to communicate that she knows what I need from her. But honestly, it’s like talking to a *** wall.

In this what we call new chapter of ourselves, I find myself feeling most of the feelings I had since the beginning. She’s not good with communication nor dealing with emotions, let alone her own period nor can she even help me reprimand the damage she’s caused me mentally, so I have to check away at it myself.

We have always struggled with communication, but at this point in time, I’m at a lost of what I can do to effectively communicate with her, if we cannot effectively communicate, we don’t have a relationship. At the beginning of us, I begged her for suggestions on what I needed to do to cater to her. But everything that I did was literally never good enough. I drained myself for her, and I’m avoiding That this go round. I refuse to fully neglect my emotions, even though I’m still neglecting Them in a sense.

Unfortunately, she’s still communicates the way she did when we met, however, I’ve learned to explain to her. This is how I feel, this is why I feel this way. And this is the event that took place to make me feel like that. With her, I’ve always struggled her not meaning to paint this picture of how she’s going to be with me, so the mission is to undo that.

This time I’m not a fool, I hold her accountable for exactly what she does and what she doesn’t do. She is upset when I bring up something to her, she gets upset that she’s still making me feel feelings that I’ve had since the beginning, she believes that if she says, sorry you feel like that, that she’s taking true accountability. She may or may not then take one corrective action and throw it in your face.

The whole time I’ve been with her I’ve never had a safe space to communicate with her, it’s always a battleground. I’ve come to the conclusion. She does not know what true accountability means, she truly does not understand how I feel, and as I should be able to express this to my partner in a healthy manner, it always goes left.

Today I’m still battling with getting shut out, she will hang up in my face, ignore me. But of Of course, if I do it to her, it’s the end of the world.

She does everything that I need her to do when she wants to do it, so she can throw it in my face, but she does everything. I need her to do voluntarily with everybody else but me. I’m not even upset by it at this point.

I told her today I don’t know what to do anymore, she suggested therapy. I don’t believe that I need a mediator to help her realize the things that I’ve brought to her attention. I honestly don’t believe a therapist is going to get her to understand my feelings that she claimed she understands, takes false accountability for and then always places a bandage on a situation. And I’m supposed to take what I can get from her when I have to pour into her full time. While she’s still working