I can't explain my feelings *TW* *mentions of self harm, suicide attempts, drugs, manipulation, gaslighting,

I've known this person for about 2 months now, which seems short, but it's junky. When we first met, I was in the cafeteria and they we're sitting at my table, I hadn't known it yet but they were skipping they're current class because they hated the teacher, and that was relatable because that teacher sucked. I myself would say I'm definitely an open book and interactive person, if I see someone sitting or standing alone, I would run up to the person and say hi and just make sure they aren't alone. I met a lot of my friends like this, and this is what happened this day too. They were sitting at the table and everyone was talking but I noticed no one spoke to them, I then asked one of my friends if they knew them and we got introdiced. I noticed first thing was their cuts, I saw them and I decided to not mention them because I didn't want to make them uncomfort. We continued talking, and when I say talking I mean a lot, we exchanged many text and calls that would always be over 6 hours long, our longest call being 9 hours and us only hanging up because I got yelled at to go to sleep because it was 4AM in the morning.

We eventually started dating, yes things moved quick, and I started to learn more about them, of course I learned more before, but during this something I started to notice is I was getting no time. Inbtween class periods they would meet me, after school, in the mornings, and they even skipped to come to my lunch, at our school we have a sort of study period, and they would skip to meet me during this too but I have a school position where I help coordinate plans with the rest of group about major events or shows the schools are holding for their fine arts and etc. this is pretty major, so when they started showing up, I had already felt discomfort from then being overly, oh I did forget to explain, not only did they meet every time, the would leave no space for room, they would cling my arm or hold my shirt, and I actually get very precise with touch, sometimes when touched I get overstimulated and it would make me very stressed and shaky, and I would explain to them, please don't touch me, and they would continue, I would even move their hand off me, and they would continue to hold onto my jacket, shirt, arm, simply anything they can, and I tell them to stop, but they tell me when they hold hand they get uncomfortable when they dont, and although i respect that, it's also my personal space and I get soo overstimulated and stressed amd i cant focus on my assigned jobs during the studt time, bevause not oy do they push this, but when I'm planning for events they would talk and I would say i cant talk, but then they woukd accyse me of ignoring them and setting tjem aside, when i already expkained i cant talk due to work. The same happened over text, when I wouldn't respond over 10 minutes they would send an apology and then they would ask me if I hate them and I would tell them I didn't, but then afterwards they would do it again. The first time, I found it weird and concerning that they thought I would hate them, so I talked to them, then it started happening over and over and over and over and ongoing, today , I explained my perspective on things and the actions that they continue to repeat that make me uncomfortable. I mentioned this after telling them that I just wanted to spend time with my friends by myself, because when I explained earlier they were there between all class periods, they would also stay when I'm with friends , and when I ask if I could just sit with my friends they would accuse me of hating them and pushing them off and saying that if they came they wouldn't even make a sound, but the problem is, I don't need someone to not make a sound, I want to just sit with my friends. I explained this to them and i should before I explain this I should say that I broke up with them after two weeks of dating and almost in-between because the first case was, I texted them one day and they had just finished an argument with their stepdad and they told me they were upset, I then asked them if they were okay and what I could do to help, and not as quickly but surely explained they told me they had drunken a beer or something of the sorts and I was so panicked when I learned this. I have many traumatic memories related to alcohol and drugs, and when they told me that the first days we met after I learned they smoked, I simply tried my best to help the best I can wit that situation, but it made me like rthe next day when they were sober again, I told them my discomfort with the situation and rather than addressing it they simply told me that they wouldn't talk about it again, which if I decide to write about it will become false because when they got cau... Their calling me rn because I didn't respond to their text in an hour 😓.

Anyways going back, that's quite upsetting, literally today after they asked if I wanted to hang out, which I should say, they ask this but the only answer is yes, once all I told them was quote . OMG NOW IM REALLY UPSET AND MAD, but not angry mad more annoyed mad, I texted them RN that I can't talk because I'm busy, because if I told them I just don't want to talk rn, as learned from experience they would just push it off and span me with messages saying I hate them, OMG, the audacity to say that I made them feel upset and ignored when on multiple occasions on multiple days, I would explain my discomfort with things, my personal stance on a topic, btw almost every conversation was a back and forth, and when I simply asked for space, but they would just ignore it, they would literally IGNORE it, just pretend it never happened. I try so hard to consider their feelings and makes sure that what I say gets across, today I basically had to BEG for them to allow me to sit with my friends, and now their messaging about how that message made them really upset, I am so tired. This person has person has pushed me, they have hurt me multiple times, I cried because of them and they just ignored that, I told them we broke up but even yesterday when talking to my friend, he told me that they said that they were unaware if we were dating, I set my boundaries but they have broken it so many times, I have talked to my friends and they have literally explained that they feel like this person is a stalker with how bad their "love" has gotten, even the word makes me sick rn, the worst part about all of this is, I literally don't want anything to do with them anymore, that have hurt me so much, but I still don't want them to get hurt.

But one things I've learned I guess while writing this is, I started off looking for help, but then I realized that If I can only feel pain from them, I have to let go 😓, so that what I'm doing rn, I've had my final straw broken with the text they just sent explaining how I hurt them, when all I asked was to hang out with friends, which is so weird because why do I even have to ask them to not come, if I want to hang out with friends, they put in the message rn, they don't understand what I mean by healthy balance when Its just hanging out, but I think that solidified it for me