I don’t know where to begin
This is the first time I’ve posted here. I don’t know what to do or where to even start. My wife is mad at me and I do t even know why. There’s a long long long story that I don’t think I have in me at this moment to tell but will tell it one on one to anyone who can listen and be patient with me to tell it. As for right now my wife seems really mad at me to the point where it feels existential to our relationship (I’m hoping that’s just my emotions talking). I’ve been working on myself for a few months now and have been getting much better. I have complex childhood trauma (I think) and get extremely defensive thanks to an anxious (possibly even fearful) attachment style and so any criticism can lead to a meltdown. In the past every criticism did that but now I’m able to contain it most of the time. But today my wife out of no where got upset with me for planning a birthday dinner for her and I that she says she didn’t want. Even though I knew that she was sensitive about her birthday and I went out of my way to let her drive the conversation. Out of nowhere one day she said that she wanted a date night on Saturday for her birthday. Just dinner and chilling together. So I planned it and now she’s upset and says I manipulated her into wanting to go out. I in no way manipulated her and when I said that she said I’m just not aware of my manipulation. I am not aware because I in no way have any clue what she’s talking about. I don’t even think she’s referring to something specific. I think she’s having a hard time and just wants to blame me for it. I don’t know what to do. I’m kind of melting down. I’m sorry that this doesn’t make sense. It’s hard to put this in writing. There’s probably a lot more to it that I’m leaving out.
@creativeSky4343
I am sure I am quite younger than you but I can hear the pain and confusion in your words, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed in moments like these. Your dedication to self-improvement and your efforts to create a special birthday celebration for your wife speak volumes about your love and care for her. It sounds like there might be some miscommunication or misunderstanding happening, which can be really challenging to navigate, especially when it feels like the foundation of your relationship is being questioned. Please know that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel hurt and unsure right now. Take a moment to breathe and be gentle with yourself. Sometimes, simply being present and listening with an open heart can be the first step toward understanding and healing. You're not alone in this. 🤍
Thank you for the kind words.
@creativeSky4343
you're welcome 🤍
To be honest she’s so upset that she’s being manipulated that I’m even terrified that my telling of it is skewed and that I’m totally blind to it. It’s making me question my reality. I think I probably need to talk to someone one on one so I can attempt to not leave out any detail no matter how small.
@creativeSky4343
Maybe speaking to a listener could help but it sound like you are having real communication issues.....
ON a birthday some women especially......... are sensitive about aging............ my partner planned some big hoopla and i just did not show up.
While on surface reservations or special evening planned SEEMS so sweet and thoughtful.......but if like me i did not want to think about another year older let alone have people keep reminding me all night. long... it is a slap in the face.
I will use my experience to try to explain ..............as for the unknown manipulation it is not you doing it........ but her response to your gestures ...she should say "the thought was nice but i really do not want to go out " .... instead she goes along because she does not want to hurt your feelings and hates every moment about feeling like she could not say NO
instead of speaking up ..............for a LONG time i just faked it ........and each time grew more angry about being prodded into doing thing i did not want to.... because they put in effort and planning so i should shut up and be grateful ........
It was only after that B-day thing .........i feel no remorse in saying NO to any planned surprise i do not feel like doing.... it can be like in my case growing up i felt i had to go and be sweet about things no matter how I felt about it .......feeling like you can not say no feels like manipulation to me until i quit responding just to placate them.
@creativeSky4343,
it feels like the two of you have been having a hard time together and still are.
You're saying you are working on yourself. Maybe to her it feels like "yeah right, he's working on himself again, heard that all before". So in that case I understand she feels manipulated, you being nice today and tomorrow back to business as usual.
I don't know how strong the bond is between the two of you and if both of you are willing to try to reconnect and learn to communicate again in a kind and gentle way.
If so, have you ever considered relationship therapy? It's not a magic pill to save marriages but it might help to better communicate and understand each other. It might bring clarity for both of you. That is if both of you want to invest and work on each other.
