I’m exhausted
My wife has been having an emotional affair at the very least for the past month. I caught her yesterday. I knew something was up a month ago. All of the signs were there. I questioned it and set clear boundaries around what the outcome would be. She made me feel like I was crazy for not trusting her. Now I feel like I need to leave because I set the boundary and she knowingly crossed that line, created a lie about what was really going on, deleted messages as soon as she knew she was caught. No remorse. I asked her to cut ties and she needed to save face and say hey my husband and I had an argument so we gotta stop talking for a while. I’m so anxious. I cant relax, can’t eat, can’t sleep. I want to work things out, but it may be past that.
@braveLion7834
If i am getting this straight .......you had suspicions for awhile and yet did not catch her until recently....HOW was your relationship with her .... before you had any idea? try to think of it from her perspective as well. was she happy did she feel appreciated and listened to?
you set a boundary that now you feel you must stick to ... do you want to leave.... or her to leave?
when you had any feeling something was not quite right........ besides stating a boundary .......what did you do? Did you try to reconnect with her emotionally.... did you find out what she was missing or could be getting out of this relationship validation / support / just being her best friend.......... was / is this person really listening to her and telling her she is smart and funny or whatever....
It did NOT just happen .......a person who has these feelings and needs met .....does not seek this out with someone....or if someone outside relationship tries to connect to a person ......IF a person is in a strong relationship (not just going through the motions) they have no reason to develop this sort of situation.
No, i am not saying it is not all on you..... why did she not talk about whatever she talks about with this other person ....... but with YOU?
did she try to connect with you...... if she felt that connection was missing?
i will say i did try....... i was met with no effort /rolling of eyes and the false assumption i would never seek out someone who appreciates me for me..... then he bought me things i could buy things i needed a friend / support and validation....
It did NOT just happen........ there is/ was a disconnect ...... there was a crack that is now breaking open.
@braveLion7834,
I've been there too. Was met with denial, I was making up a story. Whenever I said that I felt that others had taken over the emotional part of our relationship her standard reply was "that is not true, no one has taken your place". A great response to have your feelings invalidated.
Anyway, in a way I understood. I was not there for her, struggling with mental issues. And she found what she needed elsewhere.
It's good to put down boundaries. But try not to judge and label. I did and it only did more damage.
Somethings is amiss. Only your wife knows what. Only she can tell what, where things went wrong.
If she is open to try to learn to communicate again, relationship therapy might help, that is, if both of you are willing to be open. We did therapy but my wife not being open and withdrawing didn't really help.
This link might help you to get a better understanding (understanding helps, that is, you both need to be willing to understand where the other is coming from):
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-emotional-affairs/
