I'm feeling stuck!

So I was with my boyfriend for like 10 months and honestly when we first started dating, he was so attractive and loving and affectionate but as time went on, maybe like past 6 months...that kind of went down a bit. And I realize that maybe it's not always things stay the same so I kinda accepted it but every now and then I'd bring stuff up that bothered me and he'd say he'd do better but he didn't change much. I remember every time we had like a little fight, I was always the one to first reach out to try to fix things otherwise he'd just go silent and I told him I'd like to try also try to reach out too sometimes so I didn't feel like I was the only one who cared but he'd say he was afraid to. Looking back however I realize I also have some fear of abandonment and attachment issues which might have been a problem since I didn't really give him time to maybe reflect on the argument and stuff, I usually contacted within an hour or a few as I'd feel the argument weighing heavy on me so I guess maybe I was also to blame. But anyway we still tried to work things out and and the tenth month, we had been on school break and it had been about two months since we last saw each other. We could've planned meet ups but my parents are so strict and against me having a relationship that it was impossible even tho I'm 20, even calls were limited. I could only call him when I can but he couldn't call me since my dad was always eyeing me to see if I contact any guys and also because we live in a two room rental so there was not much privacy to even try. So at some point, my boyfriend said us just texting and not having much time together felt monotonous and asked we go on a break, I was against it at first cause from the movies, thats usually a bad thing and people don't normally come back from that but after he was giving me cold and late and distant replies, I decided to grant him that if he felt that's what he needed. At some point before coming back to school he said he didn't feel like he wanted a relationship anymore, he felt like he was discoveribg himself and he wants to achieve more now and he just doesn't feel ready to provide the demands of a relationship. I tried to talk to him to reach some form of compromise but it didn't work. We came back to school, and it felt weird being here without us being together and him being distant but eventually we talked and I got emotional and cried and he decided we could try again. He was different now, he wasn't affectionate, always busy of which I could understand but even when we're together he wasn't completely there, he'd call him studying in the same room I was in, or him doing the laundry while I was at his house or us sitting together and on his phone, spending time together, I tried to address how he felt distant without sounding demanding but he snapped saying this is why he said he wasn't ready. He kinda broke things off again. But we spoke some time again and same thing happened with me crying cause I always get emotional, and he was the same and the third time he snapped over something small and said he didn't know whether to bother talking since I'd just cry and he'd feel guilty and he didn't wanna be with me just because I'm sad but because he was ready to be in a relationship. Basically he's not seeing anyone else, he got in more clubs, plays football and even studies more and we still talk now and then and he still swings by to see me. He had said he still loves me and his feelings won't change just that he doesn't want a relationship right now even though it's been a while since he's said it now. Tomorrow he said he'd take me to buy pizza, and yes we still kiss now and then but he gets all weirded out if I try to kiss him sometimes or hug him saying he doesn't want to give me mixed signals. Now I know I should probably let go, but all these times I went back to him was because I tried to but found it unbearable and just went back and felt abondoned and neglected and left again. Now I'm trying to build strength to completely walk away without it being too painful which is why I'm still in contact with him, but a part of me still waits for when he's ready but I don't know when that'll be so I have to work on me but also caught in my feelings, I need help.